According to Plan
by Silver-'-Doe290s
Summary: Kira had the perfect plan to fool the task force, prove his innocence and get rid of L once and for all. There's only one person's interference he didn't account for, and that's his own. Light Yagami is no fool, and he isn't about to play into anyone's hands - not even his own. (AU from Yotsuba Arc onwards where Light figures out that he is Kira. Light/Kira character study.)
1. Chapter 1: Mirror

_._

 _I thought I saw the devil this morning,_

 _Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue_

 _With a warning._

 _To help me see myself clearer..._

 _-_ 'I'll Be Good', Jaymes Young

Chapter 1: Mirror

Coffee scorched Light's tongue as he sat on the edge of the bed, trying hard to keep his eyes open. He had determined not long before that he would not be able to sleep with the glare of L's laptop and the incessant sound of his typing, so he had given up the endeavour in favour of working on the case. If he could not sleep, he might at least spend the time doing his best to hasten the moment when his name was cleared and he no longer had to be handcuffed to an insane insomniac.

...At least L had allowed him to make himself a cup of coffee. It was something, he supposed - after all, he'd half expected the detective to deny him even that.

 _Silas Johnson, age thirty two, in good health, died of heart attack on..._

 _On..._

Light frowned. The date was staring right in at him, but his eyes refused to make numbers of the squiggles on the page. They just blurred together into a wavy black line. The coffee wasn't helping. Black dots began to creep in around the edge of his vision...

 _His heart was beating at more than ten times its normal rate._ At this rate, I'm going to die of a non-Kira-induced heart attack before Soichiro even presses the trigger, _his mind supplied hysterically. He searched for words that would convince his father of his innocence - or at least convince him not to kill him! - and came up blank. That wasn't right, it wasn't_ right _, Light always had the right words, the words to charm anyone, smooth over any misunderstanding and assure those around him of his perfection, his blamelessness. Those words couldn't abandon him_ now _, when he needed them most -_

 _But they had, and all he was left with the the cold bite of steel against his skin and his father's unforgiving eyes._ Please _, he recanted like a prayer, though he didn't know to whom - Light had never truly believed in a higher power, had balked at the concept of bending his knee to a force he couldn't see, but now there_ had _to be some God who would save him, some God who believed in justice and wouldn't allow an innocent boy to die in this desolate, empty field at the hands of his own father -_ please, I don't want to die, I can't die, I can't die _-_

 _BAM._

Light's eyes jerked open.

His papers had slipped off his knees and were strewn untidily in front of him. He frowned. He should have had the presence of mind to organise them them better - now he would have to re-order them, and L would certainly take note of his sloppiness. Even through a haze of sleepiness and a headache, he was hyper-aware of those dark eyes watching him. From this moment forwards, he could not afford to slip even a millimetre. He was as awake and aware and on edge as he had been during that tennis match, but he wasn't playing for his pride or an empty title as victor any more. The stakes now were his _life_.

 _Cold steel against his forehead and his own father's eyes as hard and cold as a stranger's -_

 _As an executioner's -_

He lifted his mug of coffee and took another sip. This played the double role of keeping him awake (he would _not_ drift off again - in that grey area half-ways between waking and sleeping he was at his most vulnerable and he could not _afford_ vulnerabilty) and concealing the shaking of his hand. He could hear the wheels turning in L's mind.

 _'I can see from your shaking that you're afraid, Light-kun. If you were innocent, you would have nothing to fear. From your reaction, I deduce a ten-percent increase in the likelihood of you being Kira.'_

Focus. Light forced himself to unclench his teeth. He had a case to work on, and only when it was solved would he be free from this sort of scrutiny.

Light retrieved Silas Johnson's file and resumed reading, determined this time to make it to the end. The man had died in an American prison two months ago. He'd been sentenced for shooting five teenagers on their way home from a nightclub. He'd pled insanity. A psychologist had been reviewing his case when Kira had killed him.

Light couldn't suppress a surge of vindictive satisfaction. _Good. I'm glad. He deserved to die._ He knew those were bad thoughts, _Kira_ -like thoughts, but he was too emotionally drained to care. His mind had no sympathy to spare for Johnson. All he could think of was the victims. Between seventeen and nineteen years old. A few years younger than himself and Misa. Had they had time to pray for an escape before hearing the deafening bang that was to end their lives? Time to reflect on the unfairness of it, to stare into their killer's eyes and know that there would be no mercy, no relenting?

His gaze flickered to the unruly mess of hair that was the back of L's head, and his stomach squirmed uneasily. _You're just being paranoid now, Light. He can't read your mind._ After all, if L could read minds, he would _know_ that Light was innocent and they wouldn't be in this situation.

"Have you found anything, Light-kun?"

 _Think of the devil._ The detective's voice was deceptively mild, but Light knew the threats and accusations that lay beneath. He didn't have the energy or enthusiasm to engage L in a verbal sparring match just then. "Nothing particularly new or significant," he answered with equal tonelessness, hoping to terminate the fledgling discussion there, while it was still in safe and neutral waters. "I was just reviewing some of the older Kira victims, to see if I could find any new information from that time-period."

"I see." L turned to meet Light's gaze, pressing the tip of his thumb against his lower lip. His dark eyes gave nothing away. "Perhaps Light-kun would find it easier to concentrate if he slept for a while."

If he hadn't been afraid that hostile reactions would raise his Kira percentage, Light would have glared daggers at L. The bastard knew precisely why Light couldn't sleep.

"Perhaps if you removed these handcuffs, I'd find sleep easier," Light couldn't abstain from saying. He cursed himself as soon as the words left his mouth. He'd just told himself he couldn't slip up even half a millimetre, and here he was, protesting captivity. Sleeplessness had loosened his lips, and it was dangerous, but sleep would be even more dangerous. With the state his mind was in, he had no idea what he might say in his dreams.

"Light-kun wishes his handcuffs to be removed already?" L had the audacity to sound _amused_ at Light's predicament. It occurred to Light that L could probably give him a run for his money as the sociopathic maybe-killer among them.

 _You're enjoying yourself, aren't you, L? This is the best game you've played in years, and asking my father to press a gun to my head was just your crowning move. Count me impressed. You have no_ real _suspect, but you are more than competent when it comes to traumatising your own co-workers._

Light heaved a sigh full of all the weariness, frustration and anger he had accumulated over the course of the day. " _Yes_ , Ryuuzaki. _Of course_ I want them off, though I have no illusion that you will oblige. And it isn't suspicious at all. Anyone would prefer not to be chained up like this."

Ryuuzaki studied him for a full minute with those silent, searching eyes of his. For anyone else, it would have been rude to stare so long, but Light had long learned that such social norms didn't apply to L.

He itched to tell L to get lost, but he'd already lost control too much that night. Instead he met the gaze equally until L relented. "Yes, I suppose you are right," he murmured, returning to his laptop.

Light leant back, intending to return to his own work, but at long last his body betrayed him and his eyes fluttered shut of their own accord.

* * *

To Light's surprise, his sleep was deep and dreamless and he awoke feeling much calmer. His hands were steady for what seemed to be the first time in months. His mind was sharp and clear, his features coolly composed. He felt entirely himself again.

Except, of course, for the solid band of metal encircling his wrist. He took a moment to adjust it. He didn't like having it there, for more reasons than just the obvious. He suspected he would never be entirely comfortable with the touch of metal to his skin again.

"Ah, Light-kun. You're awake." L was crouched on a chair by the bed, chin resting on his knees. Unnerving as it was to think that the older man had been watching him sleep, Light had to appreciate that he had been _allowed_ to sleep. Considering L's chronic insomnia and his general disregard for his fellow man, Light hadn't dared hope for such a concession.

"I think I'm going to tidy myself up a bit," Light said, running a hand through his hair, which had become uncharacteristically tangled overnight. "If that's all right with you, that is." There was only a small bite to the last remark. Light couldn't resist feeling resentful that he had to ask for permission to do something as simple as brush his hair. He had slept in his clothes, too, but he decided he would just have to smooth them out and hope they looked presentable. He preferred to delay the awkward question of just how exactly he was supposed to get changed like this for as long as possible.

"That's fine with me," L answered nonchalantly, his hands buried in his pockets. Light did his best to ignore him as he went about his morning routine.

* * *

Looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, Light was shocked by the sight of his own face. He had felt much more composed when he'd woken up, but apparently it hadn't reflected in his appearance. Or perhaps it had, and he'd looked _worse_ the night before.

His caramel eyes were raw, red-rimmed and wider than he'd ever recalled keeping them before - though considering it had been months since he'd even seen his own reflection, his memory may well have been playing tricks on him. His imprisonment had only lasted a month, but already his memories from before seemed patchy, unreal and detached, like moments of someone else's life he was viewing on camera.

His face was gaunt now, his hair lank and matted. His posture was still far better than L's, but he found it hard to keep his shoulders up with that proud rigidity that had been his before.

 _I'll have to do the best I can to fix this, but it won't happen overnight._

He rinsed his face, brushed his teeth and did his best to fix his hair, doing his level best to pretend he didn't see the dark shape hovering restlessly behind his shoulder. He would not be rushed by L. The man had imprisoned him, faked his execution, handcuffed him... he could damn well let Light take as long as he wanted in the bathroom.

Now that he'd tidied himself up a bit, he took the opportunity to study himself in the mirror again. Light was used to gauging his appearance in the mirror. In his position - top-scoring pupil, popular, admired and respected - it was a necessity. _Do I look professional? Respectable? Is there anything about me that could be seen as sloppy or careless?_ Now, though, he was searching for something different. He scanned his own face with the eyes of a detective, trying to see what it held that could have convinced L that he was a cold-hearted murderer. Was it the glint in his eyes? No, there was no glint; weeks spent in confinement had snuffed it out. The curl in his smile? True, the smile he forced failed to look completely genuine, but it didn't seem malevolent to him either. Try as he might, he couldn't fathom what had convinced L that the boy in the mirror was anything but what he seemed: a successful boy genius full of youth and innocence with a bright future ahead of him, if somewhat worn down by his recent treatment.

It _frustrated_ him. Light had always known how to make sure those around him saw exactly what they wanted to. His parents wanted a studious, dutiful son; he could give them that. His sister wanted a caring and attentive older brother to look up to, he could do that as well. But L wanted a sociopathic mass murderer, and if Light _gave_ him what he was looking for it was his execution, but he couldn't for the life of him figure out how not to. It seemed no matter what he did, L would find a way to read it as a move calculated to hide some deep, dark secret.

Light knew what murders looked like. He had stayed up most of the previous night looking through the case files of several ones Kira had deemed fit to kill. They were feral, with a wild look in their eyes, an almost inhuman level of callousness in their gazes that betrayed them instantly.

Callous. Was he callous? It wasn't a word he would ever have thought to apply to himself before. Certainly, he could remember having felt... apathetic. Disengaged. But that was different, surely? It was normal enough for someone of his intellect to find the Japanese high school system a little dull. It was hardly something that would mark him out as... as a killer. No matter how hard he looked, he found no resemblance between his face and those he had studied in his files the night before.

 _But then... Kira is no ordinary criminal. Even as he condemns him, L_ must _understand this._ _Perhaps he_ presumes _that there would be little to no resemblance between Kira and other criminals._ But if that was the case, then Light was in the dark. How could he make sure not to show L anything suggestive of guilt if he didn't know what exactly L expected from Kira?

"Light-kun?" A dull voice inquired from behind him. "Have you finished?"

Light splashed water over his face one last time, imagining as he did so that it would wash away all traces of Kira-ness so that the next time he found himself with a gun levelled at his head and his words failed him, his face could speak of his innocence in their place. "I have now," he answered as he dried himself off with a towel.

"Come on, then," L said, giving a tug, and Light had no choice but to follow like a dog going after its master.

* * *

 **I realise there is lack of plot advancement in this chapter, but as I said in the description, this is going to be mainly an introspective/character study piece. That said... if you stick with it (and if I do) then a plot should certainly develop, hopefully quite soon - I don't intend to follow canon for more than maybe a few chapters - I'd say about two or three. Also, I'm a fairly busy person at times, so expect sporadic updates :).**


	2. Chapter 2: Dreams

_._

 _What goes on behind these doors, I'll keep mine and you keep yours,_

 _We all have our secrets, we all have our secrets._

 _Behind every door is a fall, a fall_

 _And no-one's here to sleep..._

 _You were always faster than me, I'll never catch up with you,_

 _With you, oh, I can hear them coming for me..._

 _-_ 'No-one's here to sleep', Naughty Boy

Chapter 2: Dreams

"Light," Soichiro asked with concern on the fifth day following his release, "Have you been sleeping?"

The words were spoken tentatively, as everything was between father and son these days, and Light's instinct was to jerk his head away and ignore the question, but he forced himself to look up and meet his father's eyes. His gaze was _intended_ to be properly respectful and no more, but he could not hide a fiercely triumphant undercurrent. _You see,_ he said silently, _after everything, I can still look you in the eye without flinching. I will not be_ afraid _of my own father._

In all honesty Light knew he should be grateful to Soichiro. His father had done whatever it took to prove his innocence - if not completely, then at least to the point of getting him out of that cell - and Light would have expected no less of him. If there was any trace of uneasiness between them, it was entirely Light's fault, for being too weak psychologically to be able to withstand _whatever_ it took to get his name cleared.

"I've been sleeping fine, thank you, Father," he answered, and if his voice came out stiffer than he'd intended, at least it was completely firm and steady.

He was lying, and from the look Soichiro gave him, he was fairly sure his father knew. But from how brief that look was he was also certain that his father felt too guilty to say anything about it.

* * *

Light _was not_ sleeping well, and it was entirely L's fault.

Not because the insomniac bastard kept him up - that happened too, but when it did, Light's annoyance existed only to mask his overwhelming _relief_ \- but because even in his dreams, L could not leave him be.

Ever since _that day,_ Light's mind had become an execution chamber that he returned to each night. The details changed every time, to keep him from growing numb to the horror of it, but some things stayed the same. He had been hung, shot, electrocuted, given a lethal injection - and each time, L had been the one to carry out the punishment, with all the impassivity of the justice he claimed to represent. Light would stare up into those expressionless black pits that were L's eyes, knowing that they would be the last thing that he saw, and L would simply reach out to brush a strand of hair from Light's face, lean in and whisper in a low voice, so low the words could only ever pass between the two of them, _"Goodbye, Kira..."_

 _"...Light-kun?"_ L drew back and his voice suddenly lost its mocking tone, becoming an innocent inquiry, and he put a hand on Light's shoulder as if he had _not_ been about to deliver the killing blow... " _Light-kun?"_ His voice felt so _real_ now, as the rest of the room faded to nothing, and Light could only wonder if he was dying already...

"Light-kun, wake up."

Light jolted awake, his eyes flying open, only to see L's eyes inches away from his face, to feel L's hand resting on his shoulder...

He scrambled backwards until his back hit the wall, curling in on himself like a wild, startled animal. L's eyes traced his movements with quiet curiosity, no doubt searching for a way to rewrite this behaviour so that it would fit neatly into his mental file of 'proof that Light Yagami is Kira'.

"Light-kun, are you okay?" L asked.

 _'Get_ away _from me, you sick freak',_ Light wanted to hiss, but he drew in several deep breaths and forced himself to regain his calm. Waking to the sound of L's voice had startled him, that was all. He would not let his self-control slip because of something so minor.

"I'm fine, thank you, Ryuuzaki," He said. "I'm sorry. I over-reacted."

"I see." Those dark eyes did not leave his face for a moment, just as they hadn't in his dream. The phrase _Judge, Jury and Executioner_ flashed through Light's mind. He wanted to chuckle at the dark irony of it. _How very Kira-like of you, L._ Clearly, L had known what he was talking about when he had remarked that he and Kira had a lot in common. _I believe this increases your percentage by about ten percent._

The last remark referred to a game Light had started playing with himself whilst being handcuffed to L. Well, truthfully it was more of a coping mechanism then a game. Light didn't really believe there was a chance that L was Kira, but calculating the similarities between them helped him feel as though he retained some semblance of control. If _he_ could assign percentages to L as well, he could almost convince himself that he still held some cards in whatever mind-game the detective liked to play with him.

"I apologise for having frightened you, Light-kun," L said, leaning back and pressing his thumb against his mouth.

"It's nothing, Ryuuzaki. Really."

"No, it isn't." Light wanted to sigh internally. If only L could have been _anyone_ less perceptive. Or, alternatively, if L himself could have been perceptive enough to realise Light's innocence... "There's really no need to be afraid of me, Light-kun - at least, not if you are truly innocent."

Light barked out a short, humourless laugh. _Sure, there isn't._ He could have known it would come back to this. Any show of fear could only prove his guilt, in L's eyes.

"Of course, the fact that you _are_ afraid doesn't necessarily mean that you are Kira. In fact - I've come to the conclusion that fear actually lessens your percentage."

Light was left with no choice but to blink owlishly at L. "...I'm sorry?" Just when he thought he was figuring out L's thought processes, the dark-haired detective had to go and throw a twist like that his way. Light _should_ have been relieved that his percentage had lessened, but that fact made it even more difficult for him to know how L even calculated it in the first place, and the frustration of it quickly overwhelmed any relief he could have felt. And of course, there was always the possibility that L _knew_ Light would have this reaction to his claim and was simply toying with him.

Light clenched his fists. L was just _impossible_ sometimes. Before him, Light had been perpetually annoyed at how shallow, simple and transparent other people's minds were. Now, he would give _anything_ for that simplicity.

The corners of L's mouth twitched up into a mocking, amused half-smile that reminded Light of the tone of his voice in Light's dream, but now it was less menacing, more innocently playful - as much as any of their interactions could be termed 'innocent'. "Yes, Light-kun." Yes, his voice was definitely amused... and _condescending._ Just when Light had thought L couldn't get any more infuriating... "It's true that Kira is arrogant, but he is also meticulous and thorough. I find it highly unlikely that he would have failed to consider the possibility of being caught, and must have had some plan in place for the eventuality that it _did_ happen. Therefore, I find the degree of raw fear you are displaying to be unlike Kira - since you act as though you have never before considered that you might be sentenced for _being_ Kira. Unless, of course, it is just that - an act."

Ah. That actually made sense. Now Light could only be irritated with himself for not being able to figure out what L had meant on his own.

It chilled him that L had analysed him so well - especially considering L's general insistence that Light _was_ Kira. Sometimes it seemed L knew him better than he knew himself, and if L was so sure that he _was_ capable of killing thousands of people in cold blood, that could only mean...

... _I always_ did _believe I was meant for something special, something only I was_ capable _of achieving._ But that 'something' could not be mass murder, surely. To say so was to take the pure, bright potential Light had always felt within him and twist if beyond comprehension. Light could hate L for _that,_ if nothing else.

"I am not the world's three top-rated detectives for nothing, Light-kun," L said softly. "My methods may be drastic, but only because I am almost always confident in my theories. That said... I would be a poor detective if I did not realise that intuition - even one as great as mine - can be wrong at times, and there are some measures I would _not_ take unless I was certain beyond a shadow of a doubt - which I am not, yet, with regards to you. I will not have an innocent man sentenced to death."

L's voice was gentle now - as if he believed that _he_ of all people could reassure Light. His words did the opposite. Light _knew_ he was not an 'innocent man' in L's eyes, and most likely never _would_ be.

"I try to adjust my techniques to the person I am using them against. Most criminals I have caught are _far_ below my level, and so I can use more conventional means against them. You, however, have always seemed to match me step for step, and I was forced to step up my techniques, be at my sharpest, hardest, most ruthless, because otherwise I would certainly lose to you - and I could not allow that."

Only L could twist his actions against Light into some sort of backhanded _compliment._ And of course, L had now reverted to speaking about Light as though he _were_ Kira.

"Everyone has a breaking point, and it was always my intention to discover yours. However... it is possible I have overestimated you. Considering your competence and intelligence, it was easy for me to forget your age. Many people as young as you consider themselves invulnerable - a trait quite visible in Kira, I feel I should mention. It must have been very shocking for you to be forced to question that."

Light gripped the bed-sheet tighter. His hand could _not_ be trembling.

...He _had_ to stop allowing L to get under his skin like this. The bastard drew far too much pleasure from discomfiting him, poking at his weaknesses.

L paused, still watching Light. "I've been told that I am insensitive, that I prioritize my cases above the people I work with. I do not deny this. However, I believe that you understand the need to prioritize goals over personal feelings as well as I do. I can say with certainty that _Kira_ does."

Was he _still_ trying to use this to make another 'Light equals Kira' connection?

"While your imprisonment and everything that followed was certainly necessary... I regret having to hurt you in order to catch Kira. I would like there to be no hard feelings between us."

Once again, L had managed to shock Light into silence. It would seem that L was actually attempting to apologise for his actions. Light was under no illusion that the apology was sincere or that L would not allow things to play out in exactly the same way, given the chance to repeat it, but it still took him by surprise.

He considered the second part of L's statement. _No hard feelings..._ that was not possible. For all his talk of friendship, L had never treated Light as anything but an enemy. Still... Light could pretend. It was what he had always done best, after all. It seemed L wanted to see two things in him: a serial killer... and a friend. Somehow, the detective's brilliant mind failed to realise that the two were incompatible.

Light could not allow L to see the first in him, so it seemed best to focus on the second.

The thought gave him some confidence. It would be a hard act, but not the hardest he had played, and it gave him some direction when it came to winning L's trust.

He composed himself and then smiled at L through tight lips. "Of course, Ryuuzaki, I understand perfectly. Should we go work on the case now?"

"Certainly, Light-kun."

* * *

 **...I could go on forever about how fascinating I find the relationship between these two characters, but I feel like this chapter is long enough as it is. I actually wanted the next scene (which will include Light** _ **actually**_ **working on the Kira case) to be in this chapter, but it was getting way too long, so...**

 **Also, if you don't know the song at the beginning of the chapter, I suggest you listen to it. I feel like it described the dynamic between L and Light perfectly.**

 **Thank you to the guests who reviewed! Please, keep the reviews coming :). Reviews motivate me to write.**

 **Guest 1: 'a self-sacrificing idiot'? Does that sound like Light to you? ;).**

 **Guest 2: Thank you very much! I'm glad you like my writing style. I'd love to post on Archive of Our Own, but unfortunately I haven't figured out how to get an account there yet.**


	3. Chapter 3: Mask

_._

 _I know some things that you don't,_

 _I've done things that you won't,_

 _There's nothing like a trail of blood_

 _To find your way back home..._

-'Life is Beautiful', Sixx A.M.

Chapter 3: Mask

Working on the case was when Light felt most at ease. Immersed as he was in numbers, statistics and hard facts, he could focus entirely on solving the puzzle before him. Clean, clear, efficient.

He was beginning to understand why L was so interested in this case. Light had little experience working in the police force, but even so he knew Kira was like no other killer they had seen before, both in method and in motivation - and that was _fascinating._ The killings were systematic and organised, wiping away anything that could have revealed an identity behind them. It almost felt as if they _were_ looking at the work of an invisible God of Justice.

There was something darkly thrilling about that thought. If they were standing against a god... then what did that make _them?_

But then, of course, Light knew Kira _wasn't_ a god. Just a human with the power of one. And as a human, he had to be imperfect. Must have made _some_ mistakes.

Kira - the public persona - was an aspiration. He had set up his judgement as divine, every death a statement of his principles and power. But it was impossible to believe that the man behind it could hold so much power and never use it for less pure means. Light _knew_ how corrupt humanity was. Someone with the power to kill with a name and face would _have_ to use it selfishly at some point. If nothing else, he would use it to cover his tracks. Kira had gained some supporters, but most of the world still believed that he was evil and wanted to see him caught and executed. It made sense that Kira's greatest fear would be discovery.

A god would be impossible to catch. But someone with fears, desires... agendas? That was a different story entirely.

Light knew a thing or two about masks. He'd spent most of his life perfecting his so that even in his worst moments, when he felt sure the world was doomed and there was no point to living, no-one would see anything but the perfect, idealistic young student. The judgements he passed on criminals - the deaths that reached the press and the police, which people _knew_ to attribute to Kira - were Kira's mask, deliberately crafted to seem like judgement from above. Attempting to find Kira by studying that mask would be like his so-called 'friends' claiming to know him because they had seen the way he acted at school, under everyone's observation. L had understood that - hence the cameras, the isolation, the mock execution, the handcuffs - L was determined to push him as far as possible out of his comfort zone until the mask slipped.

...And it was high time Light stopped comparing L to the task force and himself to Kira, because that train of thought was rapidly becoming disturbing.

No. If they wanted to find the _person_ behind Kira, they would have to cast their nets wider. Search for unexplained deaths that didn't fit the pattern, deaths that could advance one man's selfish agenda.

Light saved his file of criminal deaths associated to Kira and opened up a record of worldwide mortality rates since the moment Kira's killings had started. Whatever he found, he would need put through a statistical analysis, make sure it couldn't be explained away as coincidence. After all, heart attacks could occur naturally, even on occasion to those who appeared young and healthy.

The results were coming through now, and it looked like he had struck gold. Another half an hour of typing and formatting and he'd graphed the trends for all death that didn't have clear natural causes since the Kira killings had started until present time. He'd then had to eliminate most military-related deaths or deaths in other high-risk occupations, since it seemed unlikely Kira was killing soldiers. He sat back and took a long look at what was left.

Firstly were the deaths of all the FBI agents that had been sent to investigate at the very beginning of the case. He dismissed those fairly quickly; he'd already known about them. Aside from that, he could find nothing suspicious... at least, not until the killings had restarted after his confinement.

At first glance, the trend from when the killings had re-started was similar. Criminals were dying regularly, mainly notorious ones that had committed serious crimes. However, Light found two discrepancies between the patterns; firstly, while both batches of killings focused on notorious criminals, the first batch seemed to target criminals based primarily on the depravity and amorality of their actions, while the second was far more likely to punish high-profile criminals whose crimes were less severe, and to overlook worse criminals who simply hadn't garnered as much publicity. Secondly - and more tellingly - the moment when the killings had restarted coincided with a slight but significant upwards trend in deaths among influential and prominent businessmen.

Light frowned. Putting together the information together, he felt reasonably certain of two things. First of all, that L was right: there was a new Kira that had replaced the old one. And second, that the new Kira was using the old Kira's crusade of eliminating evil and injustice as a cover for their own selfish crusade. Most likely, they were some sort of businessman using Kira's powers to eliminate competition.

These findings disgusted Light. The first Kira's murders had been bad enough, but at least they seemed to be genuinely intended to bring justice upon criminals and make the world a better place. Light could respect the first Kira - though he would never admit it, not with the scrutiny he was under. The ability to pursue a selfless goal with such dedication and perseverance was something Light admired, regardless of whether he agreed with the methods used. The new Kira, though... he was just a hypocritical monster. Light could feel nothing but contempt for such a person.

Light glanced sidelong at L, who was paying him no attention. In fact, sitting there rigidly and motionlessly, Light had to wonder if he had simply fallen asleep with his eyes still open.

He turned back towards his own screen. Now that he had taken the time to look deeper into the data he had gathered, his conclusions seemed to stare back at him as clear as day. Light knew this could be a major breakthrough in the case. A step towards clearing his name. He really should announce his findings to the rest of the task force. And yet... one question nagged at him, prompting him to stay quiet - momentarily, at least.

 _What about the first Kira?_

The new Kira was just another criminal interested in profit and gain, piggybacking on the notoriety of the first. But the _original_ Kira was something different. Yes, he had killed the FBI agents, but other then that... Light had found no flaws in his mask. He seemed to be exactly what Kira claimed himself to be: a dispassionate force interested only in justice and punishment, who saw the flaws in the way the world worked and knew he had the power to fix them, and would stop at nothing to do so.

Another emotion flickered within Light, one deeper and darker than those he had admitted to himself before. Respect and admiration were things one might well feel for a worthy adversary, even while hating them and their means - in fact, Light believed L _also_ felt those things for Kira - but now, Light felt almost... _envious?_

To be able, and willing, to make a change. To shake the world to its core, to stun it out of its complacency and _force_ it to grow into something better... that was something he had wished for often enough himself, growing up.

 _But not like this,_ he reminded himself. _Whatever change Kira_ does _make, his hands will always be stained in blood._ My _change will be to_ catch _Kira, and free the world from the terror of his reign._

But if even Light could feel a trace of envy at Kira's power... then surely Kira _himself_ would not give it up willingly. And considering the strength of Kira's conviction, he would _certainly_ not allow it to fall into the hands of someone like the new Kira.

Either his power had been taken against his will... or he had been backed into a corner and left with no choice but to forfeit it.

It was unlikely that any ordinary, mortal person could force Kira to forfeit a power like his, so the first possibility implied the existence of some kind of supernatural entity somehow overseeing Kira's actions - something Light was even less willing than L to consider. His moment of weakness when faced with the barrel of his father's gun aside, Light had never so much as admited the possibility of the existence of a deity. The world was too chaotic, unfair and corrupt for God to exist.

Which left option two; that Kira had been backed into a corner. But the only lead the task force had been pursued was him, and he knew he could not have been Kira. Still... the change-over had occurred while he was imprisoned. The only reasonable explanation was that Kira had taken advantage of his situation to frame him, but that still didn't quite fit. Light doubted Kira had any personal agenda against him. Light knew he was missing some vital piece, one that was just out of his grasp. It sent an inexplicable shiver down his spine. There was something wrong with this picture, something off...

Light copied the charts detailing the first Kira's killing patterns and moved them into another document, for him to consider later - on his own. At the moment, it made more sense to prioritize catching the Kira that was currently murdering people - at least, he was fairly confident that was how the rest of the task force saw things. He could present his information about the first Kira once he had drawn more solid conclusions. At the moment, it was too vague. Too open-ended.

...Pointed too much towards him.

Light waited before he was sure his mind was clear and he would give nothing away about the information he was withholding before opening his mouth. "Ryuuzaki, I think I've found something."

"Oh?" L answered immediately, destroying Light's hypothesis that he had been sleeping.

"Take a look at this." Light tilted the screen towards L so that the detective could see. "The new Kira isn't just killing criminals. He's also killing businessmen. If we look at who stands to profit most from these deaths..."

"...Then we would be very close to determining Kira's identity. I see. Very good, Light-kun." L looked Light directly in the eye as he spoke. _He's suspicious of the information because it came from me. He suspects I may be trying to lead him away from the_ real _Kira._

A reminder of the information he had chosen to conceal nagged at him. But no, it wasn't like that. Light's only reason not to share it was that it revealed nothing. _But even that, in its own way, reveals something..._

He cut off his thoughts right there. What mattered now was that they focused on catching the Kira that was currently killing people.

He would think about the _original_ Kira later.

* * *

 **Please remember to review! Reviews make a writers's day.**


	4. Chapter 4: Discussion

_._

 _Tell me, would you kill to save a life?_

 _Tell me, would you kill to prove you're right?_

 _Crash, crash, burn, let it all burn_

 _This hurricane's chasing us all underground..._

 _-_ 'Hurricane', 30 Seconds to Mars

Chapter 4: Discussion

"That was a clever deduction you made earlier today, Light-kun."

 _And so L makes his serve,_ Light thought. However deadly the stakes might be, this would always ultimately be a game to them.

"Thank you, Ryuuzaki," Light answered amiably. Everything around the words was carefully construed - the level of warmth in his voice, warm enough to seem natural but not straying into the territory of too personal, a humble acceptance of praise that did not deny pride in his accomplishment.

Light wasn't quite sure why he bothered with the construction. L would see straight through it anyway. But then, to drop the pretence would feel like a surrender of sorts, and Light did not surrender.

"Tell me, Light-kun..." L plucked a strawberry from atop his cheesecake and rolled it idly between his fingers as he spoke. "What do you think of the new Kira?"

"The new Kira?" The question was clearly intended to compare Light's answer to what L had already concluded the original Kira would say, but Light was willing to parry regardless. The last few days had been draining, and an intense intellectual discussion with L might be just what he needed to stimulate him. "Clearly, he is selfish. Whatever opinion one has of the original Kira's morality, he didn't seem to be acting for personal gain. The same cannot be said for the new one."

"Hmm... yes, I can agree with that." L took a small bite of his strawberry.

"Also... he seems less invested than the first Kira. The original took care to choose the most reprehensible criminals he could find, taking into account all circumstances of their crimes and judging based on that. This new one appears to just be plucking a name and face from a cover story. He isn't interested in justice, he's only using that as a front."

"Interesting that you should phrase it that way. So you believe that the initial Kira was, indeed, serving justice?"

L had backed him into a corner and Light really should have seen it coming. Agree, and he endorsed Kira's policies. To disagree, at this stage, seemed like a weak retreat that only made him look more suspicious.

"I believe that he believes so," Light said at last.

L's lips curved upwards into a wry smile. "How very diplomatic of you. Have you ever considered that you might have missed your true calling as a politician?"

"No," Light answered promptly. "To become a politician I would have to subscribe to the system, work from within it to make it better, but the system is designed such that by the time you make it to the top you are so entangled in webs of corruption and deceit, you are no better than the puppet of a corporation. I would sooner die than serve a purpose I do not believe in." It was a question he had considered a lot when he was younger, in fact. Younger and frustrated that the people in charge took no steps to fix the flaws that were so blindingly obvious in the workings of the world. He had come to the conclusion that they were either unable or unwilling to. Surely there had to be _some_ people who genuinely wanted to make the world better, so the only conclusion was that they had been choked out of existence by those who were unwilling. "Besides... I'm not quite sure my father would approve," he added, aiming to lighten the tone of the conversation. If he appeared to intense, too ideological, it would almost certainly raise his Kira percentage.

"That's a very cynical outlook to have at your age."

"Cynical? I aim for realism. I am neither blind nor an idiot, so of course I haven't failed to see how flawed this world is. Surely someone of your intellect cannot deny that, _Ryuzaki._ "

"Hm." L shifted his weight forwards in his chair so as to lean towards Light, eyes narrow as he studied him. If he knew how strange it look for him to focus his full attention so directly on another man's face, Light suspected he had filed it away as an irrelevant triviality not really worth his consideration. "I am not sure I would call the world 'flawed', per say - at least, not in a way that requires fixing. You appeal to my intelligence, and yet I find your world-view very limited and simplistic. You wish for a perfect solution, and will not settle for less - and yet I doubt that such a solution exists. The world exists in shades of grey, Light-kun. I would not call that a flaw. It is what makes it complex... intricate... beautiful."

Light laughed softly. He was surprised to find that the sound came naturally to him, not as an affected gesture of friendship. "And you called _me_ cynical. Are you sure _you_ have not missed your true calling as a poet?"

"Quite certain. I'm afraid I would make a dreadful poet; I am not known for my deep understanding of the finer points of sentiment, nor for my willingness or ability to convey them in words. However... I am afraid you've missed the point of what I was saying, Light-kun. The ability to find beauty in imperfection is not a cynical trait, I think."

"I see." Light allowed himself to smile. For all L's pretty words and lyricism about the beauty of life, the detective had been keeping his target in sight the whole time; just as Light had known he would. "You're trying to use the fact that I am quick to condemn imperfection as a reason why I would be willing to kill those who've displayed it. You must know that's a weak argument. There are many perfectionists in this world; you can't possibly believe that all of them are Kira."

"Indeed not, that would be terrifying. Certainly, a single trait is not enough to identify someone as Kira. It is only one piece of the puzzle." L took a lick of pink cream from his desert spoon. "A piece that fits."

Light considered L's words, and was disturbed to find that he understood them. It was easy enough to visualise himself as a puzzle frame with missing pieces that would reveal the face of a murderer as soon as they were in place. And there _were_ pieces missing, he realised. Events he could not explain to himself, though he should have been able to. Such as how and why he had met Misa - or why he had volunteered himself to be confined, when he _knew_ he wasn't Kira. Why the killings had stopped. Why they had then restarted...

"Even so," Light countered, "The traits and ideals displayed by Kira cannot be so rare. After all, many people _do_ support him."

"That is true," L admitted. "In fact, I was able to recognise so many of them in you precisely because _I_ share them. I have even seen my share of criminals executed, as a detective."

Light could not suppress a shudder as his recent dreams flitted through his mind, the sound of L's voice whispering ' _Goodbye, Kira...'_

"So you do believe that certain criminals deserve to be killed?" Light asked quickly, putting less thought into the question than he might have otherwise in his haste to banish the lingering traces of his nightmares.

 _L's eyes, cold and merciless and full of the abyss of death..._

"I agree that the world would be better without some people in it," L said. "As I suppose you do, as well. So as for what makes us any different from Kira... I think I will allow you to try to answer that, Light-kun."

L's eyes glimmered as he spoke and, crouched there, looking so animated and alive, absorbed by the discussion, he could not have been more different from the wraith that haunted Light's sleep. That was, perhaps, the only reason Light dared answer.

"I do believe the world would be better off without some people in it," Light admitted. "Murderers, paedophiles, sadists... but that doesn't mean I would be ready to take the responsibility of single-handedly deciding who lives and who dies. And I may be proud, but I'm not so arrogant to think I could never be wrong. Even the court system misjudges on occasion, and as Kira I would have access to far less information. If I were Kira my hands would be stained in blood, some of it inevitably innocent. I would be no better than the people I'd have eliminated." Light wasn't sure he really believed that, deep down, he realized. He knew that was what people _thought_ of Kira, and yet... surely there was _some_ difference in morality between someone who killed out of hate or greed, and someone who killed with good intentions.

But he also knew that he would not want to be either.

"I would not react to criminals by thinking to their level," Light concluded.

"Interesting." L had wholly abandoned the process of eating his cheesecake in favour of studying Light. "You seem to think not so much that Kira is _wrong,_ but rather that you would not want to be tainted with the acts that he has committed."

 _Tainted._ Yes, that was a good word for how he had felt ever since he had become the prime suspect of the Kira case. He felt it in the way his father's eyes weight upon it, in the gentle coolness of the chain around his wrist and in L's incessant accusations.

"Tell me, Light-kun, is it not selfish to refuse to do what you believe must be done simply because you would not want it to reflect badly upon you?"

The fact that Light knew L was only feeding him lines crafted to parallel the way Kira would think - the excuses Kira would use to justify himself - did nothing to dispel the chill that shot through Light.

"Maybe it is," Light admitted softly. "Maybe it is selfish of me to want to be able to say without a shadow of a doubt that I am a good person. But you know what? Everyone is a little selfish. It's a human trait; and I _am_ human. To want to be Kira... I think I would have to be a god."

"And yet, with the power Kira holds... is it not reasonable that he _would_ consider himself a God?" L probed.

"No," Light answered immediately. "He may have the power of a Shinigami but he has the psychology of a man, and in the end, that's what counts."

As Light rattled of the long string of 'correct' answers, a seed of doubt managed to lodge itself firmly within his mind. Did he really believe what he was saying? A man could not be perfect, but then, neither was the current justice system. A man operating on his own could be more efficient, cut through the corruption and bureaucracy to actually get things _done._

But Kira was still wrong. He had to be, because if Light did not believe Kira was evil then that meant that he could _be_ Kira and Light could not be evil.

"However you want to present things, Kira is a criminal," Light said quietly. "He operates in the shadows, outside of the law. He kills without a legal justification to do so, and those he has killed includes the group of law enforcement officers that were sent after him. You told me my world-view was limited, but I still believe there is strength in refusing to compromise on your core beliefs. If Kira is to abide by his own principles... I believe that he would have to kill himself as soon as he was satisfied with the world order he had created."

L arched his eyebrows. "Is that what you would do, if you were Kira?"

Light's every fibre rebelled against even considering the hypothetical, but he forced himself to push through the instinctive reaction. If he were Kira... would his principles matter more to him than his life?

If he were Kira, he would already have sacrificed his soul for those principles. What was his life on top of that?

"Yes," Light whispered.

His honey-coloured eyes drifted upwards to find L's. This was not a difficult task, since L had been staring at him anyway. Light felt vulnerable before the other man, laid bare by his own honesty. He had gotten so caught up in the philosophical content of the discussion, he had forgotten to guard himself, and had found himself answering as sincerely as he could...

And it didn't feel so bad, really. If L saw him as he was, he could know that Light was neither a criminal nor a murderer. They could share ideas openly, without Light having to watch his every step to avoid arousing suspicion. Certainly Light would miss some aspects of their old games, but at the same time...

He could come to value L's genuine friendship.

L had gone completely still and rigid, all his energy poured into assessing Light. Light waited patiently for him to come to a conclusion. This man had imprisoned him, made him believe his own father was going to shoot him... and yet, somehow, Light still wanted his approval.

"I'm quite certain now that you are - or, at least, have been - Kira."

Light should have been expecting them, but the words still felt like a punch to the gut. Of course, That was all L would ever see in him.

"Your unbending, black-and-white attitude, combined with your disparaging view of criminals, strict principles and morality, and pride... you fit the profile perfectly. There are still a few parts I can't compute... you seem sincere when you look down on Kira as evil, and I cannot imagine you ever embarking on a course of action that would end in your suicide. But then, you _are_ a highly skilled liar."

Forget punch to the gut. Light felt as if L had taken a hot butter-knife and was twisting it in with relish. The last time he could remember discussing his views sincerely had been in first class of elementary school, and there the teacher had suggested to his parents that he see a psychiatrist due to the dark nature of the topics he discussed in his essay. Light had learned from that betrayal that some thoughts were best kept hidden.

That L had pulled those thoughts to the surface only to condemn them as those of a murderer was a betrayal ten times worse. It was one thing for L to play a game of accusations with him, but at some point during the course of the conversation Light had stopped playing... and L, apparently had not.

His face burned with shame and anger and he had to hide his eyes so L would not see the moisture in them. Stupid of him. He'd known all along their friendship was a sham. Had he really fallen for his own lies?

Hurt and betrayal heightened into burning rage. He would not make that mistake again.

"...Uh, I brought coffee." Matsuda's voice cut through Light's thoughts. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No, nothing. Thank you, Matsuda."

* * *

 **Guest: Thank you very much :). I'm glad you liked it.**

 **If you've read this far, please do take the time to review. It would really make my day.**


	5. Chapter 5: Puzzle Pieces

_._

 _My mind's a kaleidoscope, it thinks too fast,_

 _Blurs all the colours till I can't see past_

 _The last mistake, the choice I made,_

 _Staring in the mirror, myself to blame._

 _Sometimes I'm afraid of the thoughts inside,_

 _Nowhere to hide inside my mind._

 _I'm scared that you'll compare and I'll look a lifetime past repair._

 _-_ 'Hope of Morning', Icon for Hire

Chapter 5: Puzzle Pieces

 _Yotsuba._

After his initial discovery, it took only a quick analysis of the stocks market to pinpoint the location of the original Kira. Of all companies, Yotsuba was making the clearest profit from the deaths of businessmen Light had connected to Kira. In their confidence that they were untraceable, they hadn't even made a real attempt to cover it.

 _How very careless. How... unlike the original Kira._

The information he had chosen to keep to himself regarding the original deaths sat uneasily at the back of his mind. They might be closing in on the current Kira... but the more Light thought about it, the more certain he was that this was just a decoy.

"That's brilliant, Light!" Matsuda exclaimed as soon as he'd understood Light's argument. Light vaguely acknowledged the praise. Matsuda was background noise to his thoughts.

 _Someone this incompetent_ must _be a deliberate decoy. Kira is lying low while Yotsuba leads us on a wild goose chase._

Which meant Light had misjudged Kira. He had been sure that someone with principles as strong as Kira's would never allow his powers to be misused in such a way, but perhaps he'd been wrong. Maybe Kira thought that putting the police off his trail justified whatever gambit he had to pull to achieve it. After all, he _had_ killed the FBI agents initially sent after him.

 _Cracks in the mask. My initial analysis was correct, then. Kira's greatest fear is discovery._

 _Most of the world sees Kira as a murderer, but he considers himself a saviour. He must intend to reveal himself eventually, but not until he is sure the world is on his side. Until then... he has no scruples in what he will do to avoid being caught._

Light remembered the terror he had felt when he had been falsely accused of being Kira. How much more must the real Kira fear conviction?

"Hm, yes," L said, cocking his head to the side. "Very good, Light-kun."

"Thank you, Ryuzaki." Light made sure no trace of bitterness entered his voice. _Smile. Smile until your face hurts from it. L may see through your lies, but it's still better than honesty._ "But I barely did anything. I only built on the groundwork you've laid out."

 _It doesn't matter if he knows he's seeing a mask, as long as he doesn't know what lies behind. Because anything he_ does _see, he will not hesitate to use against me._

"Light-kun, false modesty does not suit you. I know exactly how much of the work was mine and how much was your own. You should take credit for your accomplishments."

Light met L's gaze evenly. _What is he thinking right now?_

 _I pushed the Task Force towards the Yotsuba Kira. If L has reached the same conclusion I have - that the Yotsuba Kira is a decoy that the original Kira_ wants _us to pursue - then my observations must look very suspicious. And then I attempted to credit him with them._

 _He_ already _believes me to be Kira, so putting the previous facts together with his confirmation bias... this can only further convince him._

Light felt a rush of irritation. Partly at himself, for not putting enough thought into his words - but he suspected that no matter what he said, L could find a way of interpreting his words as those of Kira.

 _Yotsuba is just another puzzle piece. It isn't the full picture, but it might help to reveal it if I look at it in context._

 _Kira's identity changed while I was in confinement. That_ cannot _be a coincidence. So what is it?_

Light had allowed himself to be imprisoned, claiming that he was afraid he might subconsciously be Kira, but he couldn't have really believed it. Kira's actions were completely concious; well-planned and deliberate.

It made no sense. Why would he tell such a self-incriminating lie? Light did nothing without a purpose, but he couldn't _remember_ what his purpose had been. In fact, most of the early days of the investigation were clouded over in his mind. He could remember what he had had for breakfast on the day of his graduation, but _not_ how he had felt when 'Rideki Hyuuga' had revealed himself as L. He could _deduce_ what his reaction should have been - surprise, shock even, possibly some excitement, relief at having the monotony of his daily routine broken - but that was only a guess, not a true memory.

Was it possible Kira was manipulating him to further his own ends? Light was not the kind of person who would allow himself to be easily manipulated, but when dealing Kira... who knew what was possible? The police knew Kira could affect a person's actions before their deaths - but there was no way to be sure that that was the extent of his powers. If Kira flaunted some aspects of his power, it could be used to draw attention away from other things he could do.

Could he control someone else's actions indefinitely, then erase their memories of it?

 _No. If he had that power, he would have used it in other contexts. He wouldn't_ need _to fear discovery if he could manipulate people like that._

But the fact remained that Light had taken actions he couldn't explain to himself, actions that seemed to have driven forwards Kira's plans. It made him feel used. Disturbed. Violated.

 _If I can't trust my own mind... what_ can _I trust?_

* * *

Light's thoughts were still in turmoil as the day came to a close, but he had no choice but to push them aside momentarily. He still had a part to play.

Light found Misa Amane completely dull and uninteresting, with her pretty looks and shallow thoughts and annoying, high-pitched voice. She was the epitome of everything wrong with society; mindless and completely wrapped up in her own little existence, not caring to take a moment to really consider the world she was living it.

But she was also undoubtedly entangled in this case. The evidence that she had handled the Kira tapes was what had put them both in the situation they were in.

"Light!", the girl presently exclaimed, wrapping her arms around his waist. "It's been _so long._ You have no idea how much I missed you. I know you're busy with the Kira case, but you should really come see me more often."

Even with her face nestled against his shirt, Light could hear the pout in her voice. He peeled her off him as gently as he could while still being firm. "It's only been a few days, Misa."

It was ridiculous to think that this girl could be the second Kira. She was nothing more than a typical air-headed teenager, lacking the depth or complexity necessary.

And yet... there _was_ something that marked her out from among others. At first, Light had assumed that her infatuation with him was as shallow as the rest of her. He had experience with girls like her, taken in by outwards beauty and charm without caring to know anything deeper. They gossiped and whispered for a week, then either forgot him or grew bitter and despondent - and then they wondered why he kept himself aloof from them.

Misa's devotion to him, on the other hand, had withstood imprisonment, accusations of murder and a staged execution. A normal girl would long have been sent running in the other direction to find a safer boy to moon over. Misa, however, continued to simper and smile at him in complete adoration as though nothing had happened.

Misa shot Ryuzaki an annoyed look as they settled on the couch, then returned her attention to Light, draping and arm around his shoulder and snuggling up to him. As she began to yammer on about a part she'd been offered in some movie, Light continued to study her.

Hard as it was to believe, Light was fairly certain there was more to Misa than met the eye. He could not so easily dismiss her words from the first day of their release.

 _'If Light was Kira? Oh, that would be perfect!'_

What sort of girl reacted so enthusiastically to the hypothesis that her boyfriend was a serial killer?

It _could_ just be the mark of someone too immature to understand the true consequences of being Kira, who found the aspect of danger to be exciting and alluring... but there was something dark about the way Misa could talk about Kira with a sweet smile and a chirp in her voice, as though he were another teen icon to be adulated and admired.

 _'Why would you kiss me if you didn't have feelings for me?!'_

At the time Light hadn't really considered the question, too busy feeling annoyed at Misa's stupidity and misplaced childishness... but the truth was, he himself didn't know the answer to the question. _Why_ kiss Misa? Why lead her on, agree to continue seeing her, when he found her very presence grating?

It was another of those disturbing gaps in his memory. Misa was undoubtedly one of the missing pieces in this puzzle.

 _A piece that fits,_ L's voice whispered in his mind. That fit the detective's hypothesis, that Light was a murderer and Misa his eager accomplice.

"...so she said that I was a talentless hack, and _I_ told her... Light, are you even _listening_ to me?"

"Yes, of course," Light said quickly. "I can't believe someone would call you that. I'm sure you deserved the part."

"Oh, _Light_! You're so sweet."

Misa's hair tickled the back of Light's neck and set his skin crawling. The touch of her skin where she clung to him felt cool and clammy. Looking at her, guileless and adoring and innocent-seeming, all he could see was another piece of evidence stacked against him.

Every muscle in his body shivered with tension as he resisted the overpowering urge to pull away from her. She pulled him closer into her embrace and Light felt the noose tighten around his neck.

 _Kira and Second Kira. The mastermind and his blind, devoted, delusional, intoxicated follower._ He could see the picture now as clearly as L could. Could see himself identifying Misa's feelings for him, strengthening her faith with kisses and false promises and then using her as a pawn to fulfil his plans.

L caught Light's eye as he nibbled on the end of a chocolate candy. Light could see him analysing and computing, taking note of Light's obvious discomfort... and then his lips twitched upwards into a conspirational smile.

Light frowned. Had L really missed the true reason for his discomfort and confused it for him just being annoyed by Misa's advances? No, that wasn't like him. More likely, he was acting in order to lower Light's guard.

 _Two can play that game._ Light allowed a look of pure exasperation to cross his face. _Help me get away,_ he signalled silently. Normally, asking L for help would be a show of weakness he could not allow himself, but now it could only strengthen his position. A friend would help him escape an awkward situation. If L did so, it would tighten their charade, enforcing the image they wanted to show to the world and to each other and so distancing themselves from the possibility of dangerous sincerity.

"Misa, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have work to do and I'm afraid Light must come with me." L lifted an arm to expose the chain connecting them.

Never had Light expected to be glad for that chain, but he _was_ grateful for the excuse. He didn't think he could stand another moment in Misa's presence. His head hurt enough already from his other thoughts without her voice adding to it.

"Thank you for getting me out of there," Light said as soon as they were out of Misa's earshot. These words - expressing gratitude to a friend - were far cooler and more distant than his seemingly dispassionate assessment of Kira from earlier. To anyone else, the previous conversation would have seemed strictly work related, and this one a display of warmth and bonding. Light and L knew better. This was Light getting back into the twisted game of manipulations and waiting to catch the other out that they labelled as 'friendship'.

"It was nothing, Light-kun. To be honest, I myself was growing tired of hearing her talk. It seemed pointless to continue subjecting us both to her when it was clear she would reveal nothing of relevance."

 _Nothing of relevance._ Maybe Light's impression had just been the result of stress and paranoia getting the better of him and causing his imagination to run wild. Maybe there was nothing sinister about Misa Amane.

 _But I don't believe that. And neither do you, L._

* * *

The bathroom mirror taunted Light.

His reflection was as inscrutable to himself as to the rest of the world. The image of a perfect college student came back to him dark and distorted. His eyes hid shadows that could be an innocent sign of stress and exhaustion... or could be secrets and schemes.

 _This is ridiculous. I can't let L get to me like this. I would know if I were Kira._

He _should_ remember if he had killed people. But then, there were many things that he _should_ remember, but didn't, and most of them seemed to tie back to the Kira case one way or another.

 _I_ hate _you,_ _Kira,_ he wanted to scream at the mirror. Only the presence of L forced him to contain himself. _You're ruining me. This isn't how it's supposed to be. I shouldn't be a suspected murderer._ Everyone knew Light was brilliant. Golden. Promising, gifted. It was written in the gleam of pride in his parent's eyes whenever his school reports came home, in the way his teachers talked about him, _so talented and dedicated, top of his class, I've never had a student like him..._

A persona like that did not come naturally. It was something Light had cultivated all his life, never sparing a thought for what might lie beneath.

 _You fit the profile perfectly,_ L whispered to him.

 _You_ are _a highly skilled liar._

It had come far too easily to him to slip into a routine of lies and mind-games with L. It was only a natural extension of how he had lived his entire life. People weren't built to be genuine with one another. That was the reason this world was so full of lies and hypocrisy.

It was also too easy for him to see the world through Kira's eyes. This world _was_ broken, and someone had to fix it.

But then, Kira himself was as broken and flawed as the world he wanted to fix.

 _I'm not Kira. Kira is evil. He manipulates, uses people and discards them. He kills anyone who stands in the way of his justice. He is a hypocrite and a criminal._

Light wasn't evil. He couldn't be. He knew himself, knew the strength of his own principles and morals. This self-doubt was completely unlike him.

Light took in a few deep breaths to calm himself. He was under a lot of strain. It was only natural that his mind would run haywire and jump to wild, irrational conclusions based on fear. He needed to regain control of himself. He would think things through rationally in the morning. He just needed a good night's sleep.

He forced himself to tear his eyes away from his reflection and rinse his shaking hands, but he could not banish the feeling of impurity that had wormed itself into his heart.

 _Fool's gold._

* * *

 **Thank you to everyone who reviewed! I can't overstate how happy it makes me.**

 **Polite guest: Thank you for the tip. I've asked for an account invitation and will post over there as soon as I get one. Quick question, do you have an account on Archive of Our Own? If so, what is it? I'm glad you find everyone to be in character, because honestly I find the characters from Death Note very hard to pin down sometimes. They're so complicated and have so many layers of deceit that it can be hard to tell what's really going on. Also, the Light-and-L interactions are part of what drew me to Death Note in the first place, so I'm glad you think I've managed to capture them.**

 **Ano: Thank you very much! I definitely intend to keep it up. In fact, between the last chapter and this one I've decided where I want this story to go and how it will end, so I'll do my best to make sure I get it there.**

 **Guest: Thank you.**

 **dxilph: Indeed :).**

 **A note on this chapter - Misa is a character I have difficulty with. I don't usually dislike characters, but for a long time I just found her annoying and unrealistic. After a while I started to warm to her and feel sorry for her. She's lonely and broken and latches on to any chance she sees at finding love, to the point where she'd die for someone who obviously doesn't love her back and doesn't deserve her affection. She doesn't care about consequences, either to herself or to the world, as long as she can have love. As the story goes on I hope to be able to show this side of her, but I'm sorry if she just seems shallow and annoying here. That _is_ the first impression she tends to make.**


	6. Chapter 6: Sunrise

_._

 _And I'll use you as a warning sign_

 _That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose your mind._

 _And I'll use you as a focal point_

 _So I don't lose sight of what I want..._

\- 'I Found', Amber Run

Chapter 6: Sunrise

The Kira Task Force Headquarters were quiet in the early morning.

Light may have enjoyed getting a proper eight hours' sleep, but he still preferred to rise early. In the soft glow of the sunrise, he was alone with his thoughts and free from the dull, buzzing white noise of other people's trivial words that permeated the fabric of society.

It was not that he _wished_ to lie to others, or to look down on them. Hard as it may have been to believe, Light actually valued the truth quite highly; almost as highly as L did. But in the end he was also pragmatic, and he had learned from an early age that the truth would not get him far with others. That was neither their fault, nor his; his mind simply worked on a different wavelength from theirs, and so he had had to adjust what he projected so that it fit in with what they understood and approved of.

At half past six in the morning, though, there was no other wavelength to interfere with his.

Or rather, there _should not_ have been. He toyed idly with the chain wrapped around his wrist. Of course, L had to steal even these few moments of peace from him.

Truth be told, L wasn't currently _doing_ anything to bother him. He seemed sufficiently absorbed by his own work to temporarily cease his vigil over Light - which was the perfect moment for Light to sort through his thoughts.

 _I stand by what I said when I tried to convince L to end my confinement; Kira is_ not _acting subconsciously. Which means that either he is controlling me, or he is attempting to frame me, or..._

Light could not find a convincing third option. He knew he had no memory of murdering people. However, while the rest of the Task Force might be able to believe that the evidence against him was completely coincidental, he himself had a harder time accepting that. Misa's DNA _had_ been found on the tapes, and Light had no way of accounting for his closeness to her - nor for the sudden switch between Kiras during his imprisonment.

Light pressed his knuckles against his forehead, hard enough to leave a mark. _If could just_ remember _-!_

"You seem frustrated, Light-kun."

Light dropped his hands, startled. _I was_ sure _he hadn't been looking towards me..._

Maybe L had eyes at the back of his head. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise Light at this point.

L stood up and walked towards him. Light tensed as he came to stand at Light's shoulder, following Light's gaze outwards through the window. It was bad enough that he was chained to L full-time. Any further physical proximity was likely to drive him out of his mind.

 _If it hasn't already..._ After all, Light was _doubting_ himself. That wasn't supposed to happen. It could very well be that that was what L wanted; to make him crack under psychological torture in order to extract a confession from him, whether false or not.

Light resolved that he would _never_ give L the satisfaction of cracking him.

"Does the view calm you?"

Light frowned. _Why would L ask that?_ There was no way his answer could give any indication of whether or not he was Kira. _Perhaps he expects Kira to be too repulsed by this world to be capable of finding beauty in it._ But that was a very weak criteria. Whether one found the panorama of the city calming was purely a matter of taste and aesthetics. Even Kira could -

"You're over-thinking things, Light-kun." L's voice was thick with amusement as he cocked his head slightly to the side, and Light couldn't tell whether or not it was feigned in order to get him to lay his guard down. If so, L didn't know him as well as he thought he did. Light did not appreciate others finding amusement at his expense. "It was a simple question, asked out of curiosity."

Light sighed. He _could_ answer the question just to humour L... but the last time he had taken L's bait, he had wound up revealing some of his deepest thoughts and beliefs only to have them thrown back in his face along with yet more accusations.

"Very well." L perched himself on the bed next to Light, coiled up in a position that made it look like he was seconds away from leaping onto the windowsill and trying to fly away. "Have it your way, then. You must know that such reluctance to answer even the simplest of questions suggests a spirit of resistance and rebellion that -"

"- Suggests I might be Kira. I know. Doesn't everything, these days?" The tone of the words was sarcastic, but only because Light could not, under any circumstances, allow L to know that he might be uncertain of himself. Because truth be told, even Light had to admit that everything _did_ point that way.

 _Except for one thing. I'm not evil._

 _(Surely Kira does not believe himself to be evil, either, though? He must believe that the good he is doing outweighs the cost of taking thousands of lives.)_

What terrified Light most whatever other problems he might have with Kira (whether or not Kira _was_ him, after all, there could be no doubt in his mind that Kira was _using_ him, and Light did not like being used), he wasn't certain he disagreed with that. Whatever gut instinct one might have, in the end, looking at things logically, if the positive results of an action outweighed the negative ones then surely the end _should_ justify the means. If an action caused more good then bad then the act itself must be good, no matter how it seemed at first sight. Surely saving innocent lives was a greater good than ending evil ones was an evil.

 _But Kira is still a murderer. A_ criminal.

A knot of unease formed in Light's stomach. He _should not_ be capable of justifying Kira's actions to himself. Always before, Light had had all the answers. He knew how to draw a clear line between right and wrong and always make sure he stayed on the side of right.

 _I need to look at the facts. Kira's killings began shortly before I graduated from high school. L was able to deduce that Kira was in the Kanto region using a TV broadcast. He also deduced that Kira had links to the police force. This made me one of his suspects. He had me, along with several other suspects, followed by FBI agents. Not long after, all the agents were killed. L then approached me in person and told me I was under suspicion. However, in spite of his suspicions, he allowed me to join the Kira Task Force. Meanwhile, Kira began releasing propaganda tapes. Somewhere around this time, another Kira appeared - one that doesn't need a name to kill._

 _I met Amane Misa and took her to my home. I allowed her to believe she was in a relationship with me, going as far as to kiss her, even though my feelings towards her were of indifference at best. Soon she was taken into custody due to evidence that she had handled the Kira tapes._

 _I then offered to be taken into custody, for reasons I cannot remember - presumably, I hoped this would prove my innocence. At this point, the killings stopped. Then, while I was still in prison, they restarted... but at the hands of a different Kira._

Light ground his teeth together in frustration. He had a lot of information, but he was at a loss for how to turn it into a cohesive whole. He felt like he was holding a patchwork quilt with holes worn through it, and he was sure those holes were his missing memories.

 _L was somehow able to narrow his list of suspects down from the entire Kanto region to just me. He must have found cracks in Kira's mask._

The key had to be the first killings. In time, Kira had developed a pattern that was broad and impersonal, but the first murders must have been impulsive. If there was anything that could hint at Kira's identity, it was those. The problem was, L had access to that information... and Light did not.

 _Would he share it with me, if I asked?_

Light loathed the thought of asking L for help, but he _needed_ to know how L had come to suspect him. That was more important than his pride. Light was a suspect, true, but that had not stopped L from allowing him to help with the case. In fact, L might even be glad to show him the files, if only so that he could study Light's reaction to them.

And therein lay the problem. If Light enlisted L's help, then he would have no choice but to draw L's attention back to the first Kira. If Light could find evidence that pointed to someone else, that would not be a problem - in fact it would even be productive - but if he found what he feared he would...

The train of thought he was following was too dangerous to share with _anyone_ \- let alone L - until he could be sure of where it led and of how to present his conclusions.

 _But if I don't ask, I won't be able to follow it at all._ Like it or not, he _needed_ L. L's knowledge, L's resources, L's insight...

 _I'll just have to be extremely careful._

"Ryuuzaki..." Light began hesitantly. He hoped L couldn't hear the drumming of his heart. Whatever connection he had to Kira, Light knew he was standing on the ledge of a cliff, and this might well be the first step to take him over the edge. "Can I see the files you have from the very beginning of the Kira case?"

L tilted his head and smiled. His expression reminded Light of a child who had just been offered a new toy to play with. "Certainly, Light-kun."

As L returned to his laptop where the files in question were stored, Light's attention returned to the panorama of the city. The sun had risen higher now and its golden rays reflected in every glass building like a maze of mirrors, spreading its light throughout the city. The streets were empty and peaceful, arranged in a perfect, logical grid pattern. There was certainly something about the layout of the city that appealed to Light. Its inhabitants may have been boring, leading meaningless lives that led nowhere, or else liars and hypocrites or worse... but the city itself was perfect, full of sharp edges and geometric layouts. Light felt in awe of whoever had designed it.

 _Does the view calm you?_ Yes, he supposed it did. It reminded him that humanity was capable not just of destruction but also the creation of beauty. But if L believed that this sentiment weighed against the possibility of him being Kira then his reasoning was flawed. Light was certain that Kira did _not_ despise the world he lived in. Yes, it was possible that he saw more bad in it than good... but if he truly hated the world, should he not allow it to continue down the path of destruction it had set before itself? Why risk your life - your very _humanity -_ to save something you did not care for?

* * *

 **...Remember how I said in the first chapter that my updates would be sporadic? Yeah. Don't say I didn't warn you.**

 **Ano: Yeah, that's one of the things that fascinates me so much about Light. Sometimes he seems like a borderline (if not outright) sociopath, but other times you can relate to him so much, it's scary. My main aim in this story is to try an bridge the gap between the innocent, amnesiac Light and the diabolical Kira portrayed in the anime. If I'm succeeding, then... yay :).**

 **Polite Guest: Thank you very much! You would be right about him realising he's Kira soon. I'm trying to get there as soon as possible, but I have a very meandering writing style, especially considering this is meant to be an introspective character study, sooo... who knows. I've been busy lately, but I intend to crosspost this to Archive of our Own as soon as possible and I'll make sure to find you on there as soon as I do.**

 **Thank you both for the support.**


	7. Chapter 7: Notes

_._

 _Wear our traditions until we collapse,_

 _And argue our bearings until we collapse._

 _We study our story arcs..._

 _Inherently good, or were we broken_

 _Right from the start?_

\- 'Bad Blood', Sleeping at Last

Chapter 7: Notes

Light's eyes roamed over the small, cold words in black print. Such tiny, factual letters that could, if interpreted in the wrong (or was it the _correct_?) way, come to spell his death penalty.

He thought he would be immune to the horror of that prospect by now. The mock execution had only been a test, no-one was _really_ suggesting that they - that he should...

L's cold eyes watched him as chills crawled up his spine.

Light swallowed. _I have to focus on what's in front of me. This is too important for me to allow my judgement to be clouded by fear._

 _I am Light Yagami. Intelligent, admired, and - above all - innocent. I have nothing to fear._

 _I have_ nothing _to fear._

Why, then, was he so afraid to read? The information held on L's laptop could only bring him closer to catching the _real_ Kira, and then - and then -

And then he would, at the tender age of nineteen, be responsible for helping to save the world from the clutches of a self-righteous maniac. This nightmare would pass and he would be back on track in his life, no, _further_ ahead, having achieved more in nineteen years than most could hope for in a lifetime.

All he had to do was read.

Light swallowed again and steeled his resolve.

 _December 5, 2003._

 _Governments around the world notice a sudden increase in heart attacks among prison inmates. Initially put down to coincidence, but soon people begin to suspect foul play. Public invents a name for this phenomenon - 'Kira', a mispronunciation of the English word 'killer'._

Below that lay a list of names and times of death. It didn't take Light long to realise that all the criminals were either Japanese, or international cases that had been well publicised in Japan, at least for the first hundred names or so. Afterwards, Kira seemed to have realised his pattern was suspicious - or perhaps he had simply wanted his actions to reach further - because the distribution of criminals began to even out. It was too late, though. That pattern, combined with the timing of the kills, had already given away his location.

Light remembered many of the criminals on the list. He had seen reports of their crimes on the news. Light had watched the news frequently during that particular time period, even though it did nothing but depress him and cause him to despair for the state of humanity. It had been some sort of masochistic curiosity, he supposed.

( _Or because you wanted to bring those criminals to justice?_ )

That was the extent of the official notes from that time-period. Below lay L's annotations.

 _No doubt that Kira is in Japan. Lind L Tailor broadcast narrows it down to Kanto region._

 _Kira's response to provocation is childish. Times of death also point towards high school student. Probably safe to operate under assumption that Kira is a teenager currently in school, then._

 _Goals suggest character traits of ambition and arrogance. Kira clearly believes he can't be caught._

 _(Will enjoy proving him wrong.)_

 _Broadcast proves Kira can kill out of anger and impulsiveness._

 _Also proves that he will not limit himself to criminals, if challenged. That could be dangerous._

 _Did the police miss some victims? Must have - they only started paying attention once the Kira phenomenon became obvious and recognised. First killings will be most personal - acts of righteous fury - give best insight into Kira._

 _November 23rd - Kurou Otoharada suffered heart attack during hostage negotiation in Kanto. Act of Kira? Almost certainly._

 _Situation was highly sensitive and involved schoolchildren. Kira is a student himself - it makes sense that he would empathise with these victims and want to save them._

Light remembered the Otoharada hostage negotiation. Remembered watching it live, the sharp pang of sadness and fear for the children involved, the intense rage and _helplessness_ that he could do _nothing -_

Those were precisely the things Kira must have felt before deciding to kill Otoharada. But it was humane - it was _good -_ to feel empathy, to want to save innocents. How could such emotions make him evil? Worthy of death, himself?

L noticed his pause. "The name Otoharada means something to you?," he asked quietly.

Light froze. He could lie - but if L realised he was lying - and L _would_ \- that would be _very_ incriminating.

"I saw him on the news," he said. He hoped his voice was toneless. It _must_ be. "I was simply trying to see if I could remember any details about the incident that might help reveal Kira."

"And have you?"

Light thought long and hard about the question.

"I agree with all your conclusions. I also find it likely that this was Kira's _first_ kill. The outcome of it - saving those schoolchildren - could very well be triggering. Kira would not begin by killing criminals in cells, though those are the easiest for him to find information on. His first kill would be one that has an immediate positive impact, strong enough to help him overcome the moral boundary of killing. This must be what drove him forwards to want to do more, save more people. The hostage situation was tense and stressful - enough so to drive someone to intervene - to feel that they have a _responsibility_ to intervene, even - even if they had never killed before. And with an outcome so positive... it would be the ideal incident to push Kira forwards."

"Well analysed, Light-kun." L pressed his thumb against his lower lip. "You may even have more insight into Kira than I do."

 _Yes, you would think that, wouldn't you? Because you believe I_ am _Kira._

"Tell me, then... what do you make of the deaths of the FBI agents?"

"Kira was afraid of being caught."

"Yes." L chewed on his thumb. "And he acts impulsively whenever he feels strong emotion, I think we've covered that quite thoroughly. You are aware that you were one of the suspects being tailed by the FBI?"

Light sighed. "Yes, of course. It's one of the reasons you suspected me enough to want to approach me."

 _December 27th._ The day the FBI agents had died. Light had been riding the subway system that day - unusual for him, since he usually preferred walking.

 _It would be an excellent way to lure someone who was tailing me into a confined space that he couldn't escape from and not arouse his suspicion, however._

Light tasted bile. If there was a moment where Kira crossed the line from 'morally grey with good intentions' into 'hypocritical and deserving of death', it was here. The moment when Kira lost the ability to claim that he was any better than those he killed.

"Then there was the disappearance of Naomi Misora. January 1st, 2004. Do you know that name?"

Never had Light been more grateful for his acting skills. "No," he answered.

 _Yes._

 _I spoke to her..._

 _...the day she disappeared._

"She was engaged to the agent tailing you, and a former agent herself. While no official connections have been made, I am ninety-seven percent certain that she was another of Kira's victims."

"That seems a reasonable assumption." _Please, don't let him see me shaking._ "As a former agent who lost her fiancé to Kira, it's quite possible he would think she might become a threat."

Light scrolled through L's files until he found January 2004.

 _January 5th, 2004._

 _Misora missing for five days now._

 _As Penber's fiancé, I suspect connection. Perhaps Penber shared valuable information with her, thus forcing Kira's hand?_

 _Kira kills innocents, too, if threatened._

 _Penber was tailing Light Yagami. If connection proves valid, this is worth at least a seventy-two percent increase in his likelihood of being Kira, if not more._

 _Must ask Chief Yagami about his son. Will also bug the house._

At the end of the entry, left as a footnote:

 _Naomi Misora was a good agent. She will be missed. I will catch Kira._

The evidence was quite damning. Light's mind was on overdrive and could not process more at the moment. He could only collect information now, let it settle for later analysis.

 _Puzzle pieces. So many pieces that fit..._

 _January 19th, 2004._

 _Have familiarised myself with Light Yagami. Or, should I say... Kira. I am not entirely certain - not certain enough for a conviction - but I as good as know._

 _So soon?,_ Light wondered. At the time L had claimed his percentage was so low as to be almost insignificant. _If he was lying_ then... _what is my true percentage_ now _?_

 _Light is as sharp as a knife - and as dangerous, I believe. He will not give easily._

 _Brilliant. Ruthless. Idealistic. Driven. Arrogant. Believes himself infallible._

 _(That will be his downfall, I am sure.)_

 _He is intelligent but not yet wise; caught in that fiery stage of youth where he would seek to change the world without first coming to understand it. He knows that he sees more, and more clearly, than all those around him, and so he presumes that all he sees is all there is._

 _I almost wish him not to be Kira. It seems such a waste._

 _This is more than just intuition. The deaths of Raye and Naomi... His connection to the police... and he is more than capable of laying out Kira's schemes. When he speaks with me, every word is carefully chosen. He is playing games, constantly, always on his guard, always acting. Sometimes even I cannot help but wonder how much truth there is in some of his lies._

 _Light's mind allows - no, forces - him to see beyond the details of the everyday. He is so caught up in the larger scheme of things that there is no room for love or affection. He cares so much for humanity as a whole, he cannot care for any_ _single_ _person. He could justify killing anyone for the good of all._

 _I know this is not enough to hold up in court. But the passion I see in his eyes - and the soul-piercing_ _coldness_ _\- is enough to convince_ _me_ _. Evidence is all I need now. I cannot conceive that there is someone else who fits Kira's profile better than Light Yagami._

 _The answer is simple; my hypothesis must be true, because it fits. It fits perfectly._

Light allowed L's laptop to fall back onto the bed. His fingers shook too much to continue scrolling.

The last entry was not important. It revealed no new information. But that didn't matter, because the information already revealed was enough to form... a strong hypothesis.

' _A waste_ ', L had called him. Light had never been called a _waste_ before. He was more than anyone - his teachers, classmate, parents - could have hoped for. He fulfilled all his potential, and then more.

And to care for humanity as a whole - it was the best he could do, when no-one had ever connected with him in such a way that he could feel real, human _warmth_ for them. Better to care for humanity than not to care at all.

Besides, love between two people was too often selfish. There were not many popular sayings that Light would attribute any worth to, but 'love is blind' was one. He saw it everywhere; the lovers who tore themselves and anyone who tried to help them to shreds because they were too impassioned and stubborn to see how incompatible they were; the jealous husband who struck his wife out of fear that she would betray him; the mother who would sacrifice any other child to save her own. Crimes committed out of love were almost as common as those committed out of hate. The world would be doomed by those who loved too much and thought too little. Light refused to fall back into the masses and be blinded.

And besides... L was incorrect on that one point. Light was _not_ incapable of caring. He cared for his family - respected his father, and felt _some_ measure of affection for Sayu and his mother. It brought him satisfaction to make them happy - watch pride light up Sachiko's face as he brought back flawless grades, feel the adoration emanate from Sayu as he tucked her in. It was simply a more quiet kind of affection, the kind that did not interfere with his ability to reason and do what was right.

He would not let L's words touch him. Light _knew_ who he was; no condescending, infuriating, too-perceptive detective could convince him otherwise.

He breathed in deeply and regained his calm. Yes. He had found the flaws in L's last entry - it could not be long before he was able to pick apart the rest of the evidence against him. As soon as his mind had settled enough for him to think clearly.

"Ryuzaki, why did you choose to show me this?"

L tilted his head like a curious bird. "You asked to see my files from the beginning of the case, did you not?"

"I meant - the files on the murders. Not..."

"This is a suspect profile I have compiled in relation to those murders. I believe it both counts and is relevant."

Light fell silent. He could not argue against that.

He hung his head to shield his eyes from L. He had _known_ L suspected him, of course. But somehow, to _see_ how the detective picked apart his personality and rebuilt it into that of a remorseless killer... that was different. To simply label Light as a murderer had far less meaning - little more than a pretext for him to toy with Light. But now L had painted him a portrait of how he saw Light and that... bothered Light.

He could have a hundred admirers singing his praise, but none of them _mattered._ Most were as brainless as Misa, willing to fawn over anyone sufficiently handsome and charming. The rest were in awe of an intelligence they would not even try to comprehend.

L was the only one Light might consider worthy of judging him. And _this_ was his conclusion.

Light was overwhelmed by the sudden urge to wrap the chain between them around L's throat and tighten it until L could breath no more. It was no less than he deserved, for tormenting Light this way. Someone of L's calibre - an _equal_ \- should have been capable of understanding Light, of sharing his views, of forming a partnership of mutual respect. It should not have been... like _this._

 _'Goodbye, Kira...'_ L taunted incessantly in Light's mind.

Two paths split out before Light, and he saw them as clearly as if they were physical objects. The first - the one that was slipping further and further from his grasp with every passing second - saw him cleared of all charges, returning to his home to complete his studies and live out his dreams and ambitions. L's accusations would be nothing more than a distant memory, something he had gone through and grown stronger from.

The second led deeper into the murkiness of self-doubt and moral ambiguity that was the Kira case. It saw him tangled in so many nets that there could be no escape, and as many of them were laid out by he himself - some other version of himself, the one that lived in the gaps in his memory - as by L. _That_ path led to vilification, to the hatred in his father's eyes as he levelled his gun at Light's head becoming a reality, to a prison cell and then certain death. He would not be remembered as a bright youth with a wasted future. He would be remembered as a monster the world was glad to be rid of.

History was, after all, written by the victors. And how could Light _win_ as Kira when he didn't have Kira's power, or even any memory of it? That Light could even _want_ to win as Kira already spoke volumes about how twisted his situation was.

Light only wished he could know how to escape that second path. If there _was_ an escape. Or if it was already too late, and he had doomed himself somewhere in the gaps in his mind.

* * *

 **Ah... long chapter. There was actually another scene I wanted to put in here, but I decided against it because this was already too long and I felt it would feel crammed in.**

 **A few things I need to say at this point:**

 **1) I already have the entire plot of this fic planned out, though not in very much detail - just a general outline. Point is, I know where it's going, so even if it seems sometimes like it's headed nowhere... it isn't. I promise.**

 **2) L's notes are written in a slightly disjointed manner, jumping from idea to idea, because I feel like he has a very intuitive kind of intelligence, and would work on a problem by jotting down important ideas as they pass through his head. Why do I think so? Because that's how I work :).**

 **Thank you to my reviewers! You guys are great, really.**

 **Guest: You have no idea how good it feels to hear that my writing feels realistic. That's always what I strive for, and what I fear I won't be able to pull off.**

 **Rice Waffles: Thank you :) I'm glad you're interested.**


	8. Chapter 8: Schrodinger

_._

 _What I want from us is to empty our minds_

 _And we fake a fuss and fracture with time,_

 _We go blind when we've needed to see_

 _And this leans on me, j_ _ust like a rootless tree._

-'Rootless Tree', Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan

Chapter 8: Schrodinger

For a few minutes Light could think of nothing at all. There was nothing he could do but ground himself in the present moment: the soft cushion of this unfamiliar bed, the starch white walls, the view from the window that he had just been admiring, the ring of steel around his wrist. He silenced the gears in his mind with the shallow, steady sound of his breathing.

He appreciated that those breaths came at all. Less than a fortnight ago he had sat in the back of his father's car and been convinced that he would never breath again. Light had always laughed off the people who claimed that youth believed itself immortal. He was a genius. _Of course,_ he knew that he too would die one day. On an intellectual level, he knew.

Only now did he understand the difference between knowing intellectually and really _knowing._ It was impossible to _really_ comprehend the thin, delicate line between life and death until you had truly believed you were about to cross it.

Was this what out-of-body experience felt like? He was sitting on the bed, staring across the room at the view from the window, and at the same time, he observed himself from the other side of the room. Watched the strange copper-haired boy with a chain around his wrist sitting on his strange bed, his posture defensive; head low, eyes averted, shoulders ever-so-subtly and involuntarily curved inwards, in a strange room in a strange building living a strange life.

For one fleeting moment that boy was neither Light Yagami, nor Kira. He was no-one, because his identity was observing him from the _outside_ and so all he could do was exist. The moment was freeing. No-one did not have to worry about being good or evil, innocent or guilty, right or wrong; he simply had to _be._

Then L spoke, and the moment was shattered; his situation came crashing back down on him in full force and now he was _both._ Light Yagami, perfect son and student, and Kira, murderer and criminal.

Even if it turned out now that L was wrong and there really was no connection between the two, it was too late for Light to erase the traces of Kira imprinted on his soul. Now that he had seen how his thoughts could so easily be Kira's - seen, too, how L might look at him and _see_ Kira - it seemed almost irrelevant whether they were factually the same person. A technicality, almost.

The fact of it was that however high or low the percentage likelihood of him _being_ Kira was, the likelihood that he _could be_ Kira was at a hundred percent. If, in the end, the only thing separating the two was the _means_ to kill - was that really any separation at all?

He wondered why he didn't hate L more for that revelation. Moments ago, he would have - _had,_ in fact. Now, as he reached for the place inside of him that had previously burned with anger and resentment for the detective, all he found there was hollow emptiness. After all, what had L done but show him what was already there?

What _he_ had put there.

L had been speaking to him, he remembered. He should answer. It was hard to focus on the detective's words, though. They came through muddled and senseless, a random collection of noises. Light still felt strangely disorientated, as though he were seeing the world through eyes not his own and needed a moment to adjust his senses.

Perhaps that was not an entirely inaccurate statement. How could he really be sure his mind was his own when half of his memories seemed to have inexplicably been erased?

"Light-kun." Light was able to make coherent words of what L was saying again, and he forced his mind to snap back into focus. "How familiar are you with the philosophy behind quantum mechanics?"

The question was asked idly, but L's gaze was focused. Light had begun to familiarise himself with the detective's penchant for non-sequiturs. The question seemed random - but there could be no doubt that it was meant to lead somewhere.

Light was just curious enough to want to know where, exactly, L's thoughts would lead. After all, no theory of his was likely to be much worse than the one Light himself had been exploring. "Somewhat," he answered. "I know what we were taught in school, and I've read a book or two on it myself."

There had been a period in Light's life when the sciences had piqued his interest. Finally, it seemed, there was a place where he could apply his ability to think analytically in a way that might allow him to achieve something important.

That passion had burnt out after a few weeks of intensive study during which he had come to the conclusion that all the reading material he'd found was unbearably dry and answered none of his questions. _Atoms_ would not tell him what drove people to lie and cheat and murder; sub-atomic particles could not explain why so many others were perfectly willing to lead purposeless lives as they waited patiently for the day of their deaths.

Light had thrown aside those books in disgust and returned to his routine of feigning interest in class and little more.

"I suppose you're aware of the Schrodinger's Cat thought experiment, then?"

"Of course I am. Who isn't?"

L lifted a shoulder absently. "I wouldn't know; I did not exactly receive a standard education, so I'm unsure of what is considered common knowledge among others. Regardless. The experiment entails a cat that is placed in a box with a vial of cyanide. Schrodinger theorises that the cat would be -"

"Both alive and dead until it is observed, yes. I _know_ this, Ryuuzaki."

L bit thoughtfully at his thumb. "If a cat can be both alive and dead, could a person be both innocent and guilty? Schrodinger's suspect, so to speak."

"That makes no sense," Light replied automatically. "The thought experiment is only meant to illustrate a theoretical principle, not be taken literally. If nothing else, the suspect would be their own observer and so the principle would break down."

"That is true." The sound of L crinkling a sweet wrapper scraped against the rawness of Light's awareness. "However, I was _not_ taking things literally. I meant only to draw parallels to that particular theory in order to put words on an idea I've had."

His gaze became scrutinising again. Light jerked his own gaze away from it. It always made him uncomfortable when L watched him that way, but it was not the awkward discomfort that came from the breaking of a social contract. L's gaze was discomfiting because it made Light feel as though he were being stripped of every secret and hidden thought, disassembled like clockwork to be studied. Light had not given L permission to do that to him.

L's face hovered only inches from his. "I think I'm right," he said, voice never rising above his standard monotone. "And I think you _know_ I'm right."

Light held L's gaze. The pieces were coming together now, and even if he disliked what he saw, he couldn't deny it. There was no sense in hiding himself any more. If he continued to deflect and avoid eye contact with L, it would only make the detective suspicious.

 _More_ suspicious, that was.

"I really don't understand what you're saying, _Ryuzaki._ " Watching L, he realised that there was no _Ryuzaki_ in him right then. The way he looked at Light now was pure _L,_ intense and devoid of any playfulness or pretence. It reminded Light of the man that featured in his nightmare; his gaze as dark and infinite as the edges of the universe. Light found it ironic, then, that L had commented on the 'soul-piercing coldness' of _his_ gaze. L would strip someone down to their barest essence to dissect them with no empathy or emotion.

By comparison, Kira really did seem like a child throwing a fit. Kira's passion and anger seemed almost nothing when measured against the abyss of L's indifference.

"Don't be disingenuous," L said.

Something clicked in Light's mind. This whole time, he had been unable to pin L down, while L succeeded in getting into his head and under his skin time and time again. _He simply doesn't care._

The rage Light had been unable to reach flared up in him again. _This_ was what the world relied on to bring it justice. A man who cared neither for the victim nor for the criminal, but simply saw the whole thing as an intriguing intellectual exercise. People thought of Kira as a monster, but in reality Kira was the more human of the two. Kira _cared._

Light pulled away from L and got to his feet, chain jangling. He thought it best to put aside the conversation; _any_ answer would likely give away too much about his mental and emotional state. "It's late," he said instead. "We should go downstairs to join the rest of the Task Force."

* * *

The rest of the Task Force was, indeed, already assembled, and every eye turned to Light and L as they walked into the room. Matsuda's features brightened instantly and he gave a friendly wave. Most of their gazes were amicable and held a certain measure of respect for the two young prodigies who were making more headway in the case than anyone else on the team. Light was sure those looks were intended for him as much as for L. Regardless of his official status, the team saw him as L's equal and _partner_ , not his prisoner. It was, after all, the only reason they had allowed him to co-operate on the investigation.

He played his part well.

 _How quickly would their minds change if they realised the strength of L's evidence against me?_

 _'From one murderer to another, I'll see you in hell.'_

"Kira killed another businessman," Aizawa announced from across the room, bringing up an article. "At least, it seems so from the circumstances of the death."

 _Kira._ The word had so many implications. _Murderer, hero, justice, vigilante, punisher, criminal, saviour, god, monster._

To Light, _Kira_ was a loaded gun against his head and the promise of death in his father's eyes. In L's.

 _The task force may doubt, but deep down, they are loyal to my father and, by extension, to me. They do not truly believe in the possibility of my guilt._

 _I need to make sure I keep things that way._

"Hm. Aizawa, could you make a list of all the times and circumstances of any non-criminal Kira-related deaths from these last few weeks?" L asked. "Meanwhile, we need to find a way of setting up surveillance on them without alerting them of our suspicions."

 _This hypothesis is too strong for me to merely brush aside. I must work from the supposition that I_ am _Kira._

Working with that supposition, everything up to his confinement fit perfectly. _But what then?_

 _Did I willingly renounce my power, and transfer it to someone else?_ It seemed the most logical assumption. And he could see some benefits of it. If the Task Force pursued Yotsuba, they were distracted from him. _All but L. He keeps me in his sights at all time._

But it hardly seemed worth the cost. To allow someone like the new Kira to kill in his name was a violation of all the old Kira's principles. And what about Light?

Kira had essentially tossed him into a viper's nest blind and defenceless. If this was part of some grand plan of his, Light could not see it.

Light rubbed tiredly at his eyes. _'It seems like such a waste',_ he had said of the possibility that Light was Kira. And yet, if he had died for real - if the shot had not been a blank - without any knowledge of having ever been Kira, would his life have been any less of a waste?

Many people he did not know at all from his school and such would probably attend his funeral. His family would mourn him. And then... all memory of him would fade. Unfulfilled potential was a tragedy, but not one that people remembered for long. His results thus far may have made him a star in his parents' eyes, but no-one would remember the boy with perfect grades.

 _Everyone_ would remember Kira. As a monster, if he failed.

If he succeeded...

It was a thought Light hardly dared consider.

* * *

 **I struggled a lot with this chapter. I'm still not entirely sure I'm satisfied with it, but I hope people like it nevertheless :).**

 **I should mention that I will be getting a lot busier from here on out, so updates will become much rarer.**


	9. Chapter 9: Friendship and Mathematics

_._

 _Who knows how long I've been awake now?_

 _The shadows on my wall don't sleep,_

 _They keep calling me, beckoning..._

 _Who knows what's right, the lines keep getting thinner..._

 _My age has never made me wise,_

 _But I keep pushing on and on and on and on..._

-'Nothing Left To Say', Imagine Dragons

Chapter 9: Friendship and Mathematics

Light fiddled impatiently with his pen as the hours dragged on. Since his initial breakthrough regarding Yotsuba, the investigation had made minimal progress. L seemed more preoccupied with watching and studying him than with pursuing the lead he had found, and he himself had his mind elsewhere.

He had already provided them with the crucial observation. Let the Task Force fumble around in search of the new Kira. The longer it took them, the better for Light, since he could use that time to figure out what his role was meant to be.

There was a stack of newspapers on the desk. Light flicked through them, pretending disinterest and boredom. In reality he was _very_ interested in what they had to say.

Unsurprisingly enough, news of Kira occupied most of the front page. _Crime rates staying down at thirty percent of their pre-Kira status..._ Well, there was no denying that Kira got results. Even one as incompetent and corrupt as the Yotsuba group.

( _If_ Yotsuba _, which was interested only in profit, could achieve this much... what could_ I _achieve, with those same powers?_ )

The thought crept into Light's mind without his permission, and he was quick to clamp down on it. At this moment in time, the only goal worth considering was _survival._ That goal would be difficult enough to achieve as it was, if his suspicion was correct. L was already fairly certain of the theory, and Light had to play against him blindfolded. He had a feeling that it would have been challenging enough if he _could_ see his cards.

 _But then, I've always wanted a challenge._

One where his life was not at stake may have been preferable to this, though.

Light flicked through the rest of the newspaper. The one article that had first caught his eye was drowning in a sea of anti-Kira propaganda. It annoyed him, not because he necessarily _agreed_ with Kira - he wouldn't say _that,_ not even now when he was beginning to wonder if he and Kira could be one and the same; too many of Kira's actions still struck him as categorically _wrong,_ even if he could also see how Kira might have justified those acts. Still - public opinion on Kira was, as on most things, shallow and polarised. People either worshipped him or hated him, and none seemed willing to acknowledge the complexity of the question.

Light dropped the newspaper and leant back into his chair. He _was_ considering the complexity of the question... and could find no satisfactory answer. It was a new sensation to him, being at a loss for an answer, and it made him uneasy.

Light could find no way to deny that Kira was a hypocrite and a criminal. There was _also_ no way to deny that Kira got results, or that Light agreed with at least some of his philosophies. Light didn't know how to reconcile those two.

There was another aspect to consider. A part of Light _hated_ Kira, for reasons that were completely irrational.

 _'Is it not selfish to refuse to do what you believe must be done simply because you would not want it to reflect badly upon yourself?'_ L had asked, and Light had replied by defending his right to be selfish, in some circumstances. Even if - rationally - Light new it was wrong, _selfish,_ he would still rather choose to keep a secure hold over his moral superiority to criminals than to become the same thing in order to fight them.

Kira had violated Light's right to that choice.

"Light? Are you okay?"

Light looked up at the sound of concern in Matsuda's voice. Did his emotions show on his face?

Very well. He could make use of that. After all, his _real_ emotions were not so far from what he _should_ be feeling.

"I'm suppose I'm just feeling... frustrated. And angry. All the work we put into this, and Kira is still at large. It feels like we're hardly making progress at all." He allowed genuine rage to colour his expression as he curled his hands into fists. "I just want to _catch_ him. I can't forgive him for the things he's done."

 _Especially not for doing them as_ me.

"I think I know what you mean. Sometimes it feels like we're getting nowhere..." Matsuda fidgeted with a piece of paper. "But look on the bright side. With you and Ryuzaki working together, it can't take that much longer. The two of you have already made so much progress."

"Yes, Light-kun. You shouldn't worry so much." There was something faintly sardonic in L's voice that made Light want to snap. _You couldn't have kept your mouth shut just a bit longer, could you?_ L was a constant reminder that someone else _knew,_ or at least suspected, and was judging him. His presence was what risked transforming a disturbing hypothesis that Light might privately consider into a dangerous reality that he had to fight to advert.

Light just wanted L _gone._

He restrained himself from punching L again. He and L really _should_ be above resolving their differences with their fists. There was just something about the detective that made him lose a part of his usually strict self-control.

He forced himself to smile at L. "Of course not. I didn't mean to doubt you."

"No... I don't believe that Light-kun doubts me _at all_." There was a double meaning to those words, meant for Light alone.

' _I think you_ know _I'm right_ '.

L was not referring to whether Light doubted his ability to catch Kira, but rather to whether Light doubted his theories surrounding Kira.

The eyes of the entire Task Force were on them. Light bit down a smile. _You want to play in front of them? Very well, L. Let's play._

"You told me once that you considered me your friend," Light said.

L's eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed as he tried to figure out what Light was doing. The smile was becoming harder and harder to suppress. For once, Light had gained the upper hand on L.

"Yes, I suppose I did," L admitted cautiously.

"I'm not sure whether your really understand the concept of friendship, then. Generally, people do not want to see their friends _dead._ " Light allowed all the hurt, frustration and irritation he had felt towards L these past days to colour his voice. It wasn't a show of weakness, not really; not if he used it to gain the sympathy of the Task Force. After all, the more truth contained in a lie, the easier it was to sell.

"Light-kun, I'm not sure what you're suggesting. I assure you, I have never wished you dead."

 _Liar._

Light had caught him in the act, and was in a position to expose him to the entire Task Force now. That was a victory; a small one, but a victory regardless. "Really? Tell me, L, what exactly you plan to do to Kira once you catch him?"

L narrowed his eyes. "He would be executed, I suppose. That is not a matter of desire, but of justice. However, unless you intend this as a confession -"

"You said you _wanted_ me to be Kira."

L fell silent, blinking. _You didn't want them to know that, did you?_ If L intended to use the barbed, dangerous discussions they had about the case in private in order to make digs at Light in public, then Light had no compunction against showing L for what he was. Light would not allow him to try to endear himself to the others by making claims of friendship while making Light an enemy whenever they were alone together.

"Did you really say that, Ryuzaki?" Matsuda asked, shocked. Everyone else in the room remained silent, but Light could see the same sentiment written on their faces. Soichiro looked like he was moments away from punching L on Light's behalf.

Light kept his expression hidden from them. Even if he'd had to reveal some of his own vulnerabilities - moments when L had managed to honestly hurt him - it was worth it, to put L in this position. L's allegations against Light would all seem biased in light of this, and Light would seem an innocent victim. L's task of convincing the Task Force of Light's guilt would therefore be made that much harder.

"Light-kun misunderstood," L said at last.

"Did I? It seemed to me your meaning was quite clear."

L bit at his thumb. "It would seem you've taken a statement about the case far more personally than I intended."

Light had done no such thing. _Everything_ was impersonal to L; but he had attempted to pretend otherwise, most likely in order to gain an emotional reaction from Light or cause him to lower his guard. Light intended to make L pay in full for that. He was beginning to realise that he would never get L completely off his trail, so the only remaining option was to keep everyone _else_ on his side while ensuring L never obtained the evidence he needed to override them.

L closed his eyes for a moment, sighing. "It was not the _outcome_ of you being Kira that I desired; it was simply the fact of it. Allow me to try to explain. Do you enjoy mathematics?"

"I enjoy the challenge it provides, occasionally. I suppose this has as much to do with the case as quantum mechanics?"

Most of the Task Force looked baffled. L leaned forwards with a smile that could only be called 'conspirational'.

" _Precisely_ , Light-kun."

"Explain."

"Solving cases is not so different from solving maths problems. The tools used are different, of course; detective work requires a deeper understanding of _people,_ rather than of numbers. The basic principle, however, remains the same. In mathematics, I have found, there are usually three types of solutions. The simplest is when the information is all there from the beginning and you simply have to carry out the calculations. In police work, those kind of cases are the reason we hire people like Matsuda."

L ignored Matsuda's indignant complaints.

"The second kind is more complex and tedious, but not much more rewarding. It is the strategy of breaking a problem into many small pieces and chasing down every possibility. Casework. Such solutions are long and lack a coherent thread that ties their many components together."

Light frowned. This conversation was being derailed from its original intent, but he found that it didn't bother him too much. This was likely the best chance he would get to see into the inner workings of L's mind - and L was offering him that information _freely._ Was he really so desperate to explain his intentions? Explaining himself to _Light_ would do little to undo the damage Light had already inflicted. The rest of the Task Force was unlikely to be mollified by an explanation such as this one; if anything, it only served to make L seem _less_ human in their eyes.

Nevertheless, L's words rang true to Light. _This_ was how L saw the world; not in terms of people and feelings and morality but in terms of cases and problems and solutions.

Before meeting L, Light would never have imagined someone with a mind like that _could_ exist. Most people were the complete opposite; their minds overruled and rendered irrational by their sentiments. Nevertheless, Light could not agree with L's extreme either. Reason was powerful, but without something to attach _meaning_ to it it was hollow and senseless. How could L claim to represent _justice,_ when all he cared for was satisfying his own selfish curiosity?

"The third kind of solution is the one everyone _hopes_ to find. The simple, elegant solution where a single piece is all that is needed to for everything to click into place. The key to such a problem is often hidden in plain sight, and as soon as you _see_ it what was once a baffling mystery now makes perfect sense."

L chose this moment to drop another sugar cube into his tea. It arced through the air in a downwards half-parabola. Light wondered whether L had calculated the shape in order to emphasise his point.

"The Kira case is one of the most difficult, fascinating, intriguing and dangerous cases I have ever encountered. In almost every career of significance - be it writer, mathematician, detective, scientist - I believe there is inevitably one problem that defines it. A _magnus opus,_ if you will. I believe that the Kira case is mine. If my theory regarding you is correct, then there is a chance that its solution will be fittingly elegant. If not - it breaks down into casework, chasing down each separate Kira in part. Can you imagine what a disappointment that would be?"

L tilted his head upwards, awaiting Light's response.

Light supposed he should feel enraged and indignant to be reduced from a person into L's ideal _elegant solution,_ but the expected emotion never materialised. Instead, he found himself... understanding. Life really was so much simpler when reduced to problems and equations and solutions, and Light had a feeling that being an _ideal solution_ was among the highest compliments L was capable of giving.

L and Kira really were similar, then. Kira's actions seemed incomprehensible in their inhumanity... until you stripped them of all sentiment and gut instinct, and then they seemed perfectly justified. When you thought of morality in terms of what _felt_ right, many things could be made inexcusable regardless of the circumstances or motivations. Write it as a simple function of cost versus gain, however, and _any_ action could be cancelled out by a sufficiently positive outcome. People became variables to be manipulated and disposed of whenever it seemed advantageous... as long as the outcome remained positive.

It baffled Light that L failed to see this and instead chose to stand in opposition to Kira. He could not ask, however, as that would be an admission that he had found a way to justify Kira's actions.

He narrowed his eyes. _Why are you telling me this, L? Is it another game? An attempt to make me confess to sharing your perspective, thereby bringing me one step closer to being Kira?_

There was one essential difference, though. _L_ pursued reason and logic for its own sake, for its... elegance. _Kira_ used it to attain an end that was important to him; a perfect world.

Whatever it said about him as a person, Light would always find Kira's motivation the more admirable of the two.

The sound of fists slamming onto table broke both Light's concentration and L's.

"How can you _talk_ like that, Ryuzaki?! You said Light was your friend. Do you really care more about finding a solution to this case that _satisfies_ you?"

L shrugged. "I _am_ a detective. It is required that I be impartial; treating cases as puzzles is the best way to ensure this impartiality. But if we are to discuss the concept of friendship..." L's gaze left Matsuda, dismissing the importance of his presence in this conversation. "...I do not believe you are in a position to criticise my understanding of it Light-kun. After all, I highly doubt _you_ have ever had a genuine friend in your life."

Light laughed. The sound was dismissive, baffled and entirely fake. "You really are grasping at straws, aren't you, Ryuzaki? I have plenty of friends."

"Name one."

Light deliberated for an instant, eyes searching the room. "Matsuda," he said at last.

The name had the desired effect. Matsuda's face lit up at the compliment; glowing with pride that Light would choose _him_ as his first example of friendship. It was so easy to gain a person's favour, Light mused. Simply choose the right words to make them feel valued, and they would follow you anywhere.

It was a good thing most people had a conscience strong enough to stop them from exploiting this. Light _should_ have had that, but the voice in his mind telling him he _had_ to make sure he was not convicted as Kira outweighed the one telling him that manipulation was wrong. In truth, Light himself was the one grasping at straws; doing whatever he could to maximise his chances of success with the little information he had.

There was that sardonic smile on L's face again. "Matsuda. Of course. Tell me, Light-kun, have you ever had a proper conversation with him on a topic more meaningful than, say, coffee?"

 _I should have known L would hit back._ Light bristled. "Matsuda _believes_ in me. He's willing to stand up for me. That's what friends do; and it's more than I can say about _you,_ Ryuzaki."

The smile on L's lips did not waver, small and secretive. "You are remarkably skilled at this, Light-kun. Twenty-seven percent."

Light did not have to ask for clarification on what 'this' was. The contents of the conversation that had just occurred sat uneasily with him in any case. He had always been good at making people like him, but it was a skill he used because being courteous and getting along with others made things easier for all parties involved. _Not_ as a manipulation technique.

 _Are the two really so different, though?_

"Wait a moment," Matsuda interrupted. "Did you just raise Light's Kira percentage because he's better than you at making friends?"

"Yes, Matsuda. I'm not sure what you find so strange about this. No-one could get so far in an attempt to change society without good interpersonal skills."

Light and L both returned to their work, Light attempting to ignore the troubled looks his father gave them. After all, he _had_ been the one wanting to gain sympathy.

* * *

By the time the Task Force had gone home and Light and L were left alone in the building, Light had had sufficient time to muse over his confrontation with L that day. Part of him felt... relieved. He understood where he stood with L now. That would make future interactions between them much easier. He did not trust L's words completely, of course, but they had felt far more honest than any explanation he had heard from L before.

What he did not understand was what had _prompted_ this sudden honesty. Was it simply a desire to be understood? He looked across at L, crouched on his chair and watching Light, but the other man revealed nothing.

The part of him concerned not with L but with _himself_ felt far more troubled. When he had first been chained to L, he had informed L that it would go against his morals to use Misa's feelings for his own gain, but what had he done since then but play on the Task Force's solidarity towards him?

 _Unlike Kira, I'm not working towards any greater good. I'm simply trying to ensure my own survival._ The rational part of Light told him that that was not a sufficient justification to break his own moral code, but his instincts were stronger. He had stared down the barrel of a gun. He had _known_ what it was to feel your life was about to be snatched away, and he would fight tooth and nail to make sure he was never placed in such a position again.

Once he had done that... once he no longer had the immediate threat of death hanging above his head... he could make his choices. Decide what was right and what was wrong, and follow through with whatever course of action he determined to be right.

 _Maybe this is precisely why Kira put me here. To win the Task Force's trust. If I have no memories of being him, my reactions will seem more genuine, and Kira must have trusted in my own natural ability to win people over._

Perhaps it should have been a comfort, that he was following the course he had set out for himself, but it disturbed him more than anything.

Light may have done his best to fit in with societal norms, but he prided himself in his ability not to get _lost_ in society's expectations. Light paid lip-service to others' desires, but when it came to acting on anything truly important, he would always stick to his own beliefs. They were what made him who he was, intelligent and more discerning than your average person on the street. Therefore, the _last_ thing he would allow himself to become was a mass murder's pawn.

 _I'm willing to follow your scheme for now, Kira, as it would seem I have no other choice, but as soon as I am no longer backed into a corner I_ will _choose my own path. I promise that._

* * *

 **Wow, I did not expect this chapter to get so long. And I _still_ ending up cutting out a scene I wanted to put in here...**

 **This confrontation between Light and L is one I had planned almost since the beginning of this story, but I'm not entirely sure about how it turned out. I guess that's a common enough thing for me though, to feel unsure about a scene that I had a strong vision about.**

 **The song at the top of this chapter is probably one of the songs I feel describe the arc I have planned for Light over the course of this story best.**

 **One more thing. Since I came up with a definitive idea of where I want this story to go, I knew I would have to write some of the later scenes from L's point of view, as Light's simply wouldn't work. However, since deciding that, I've _also_ decided on a character arc for L that I want this story to have, and in order to that I'll need more than just a couple scenes written in his P.O.V. Because of that, I'm planning to switch to his perspective in the next chapter. Having the next chapter in particular be from L's perspective isn't really essential to telling the story but I wanted to experiment a bit and get a feel for his character before I start writing things through his eyes for which his P.O.V. _is_ essential. Also, I though a point of view switch might be refreshing at this point in the story. I'm nervous about trying this, though, so any advice at all from my readers would be very much appreciated.**

 **Finally, if anyone is interested, I've also written a one-shot (completely disconnected to this fic) focusing on Sayu (Light's sister). Check that out, if you like :).**


	10. Chapter 10: L

_._

 _I danced a tango with my hubris high on youth,_

 _We swept across the dance floor to subjective truth,_

 _But there was no harmony there,_

 _No reason for co-existence,_

 _Nothing to span the distance, now..._

-'Smoke and Mirrors', Poets of the Fall.

Chapter 10: L

The surface of his porcelain tea-cup was slippery and smooth under L's fingertips.

As slippery the Kira case. Since the moment he had found Yagami Light, he had been _inches_ from solving it, and yet every time he felt ready to grasp it Light came and threw a new twist his way.

This one was, perhaps, the most puzzling yet.

L rubbed his toes together as he observed the youth sitting on the bed across from him. This once, Light chose to ignore L entirely. His constant, calculating intellect was now turned inwards. He sat very still ( _like a marble statue_ ) and very tense, fingers curled into his palm.

L wondered what thoughts were were causing Light so much turmoil. He had a feeling he could give a fairly accurate guess. _You think you might be Kira, and you're wondering what that means._

L had seen three versions of Yagami Light, thus far. There was the one he _knew_ must be Kira; cold, calculated and utterly confident, playing the game of life as though it came far too easily to him. Then, there was the Light that had appeared during confinement. The Light with wide eyes not yet trained to hide his emotions - still capable of _feeling_ emotions that were not pride or rage.

The boy that sat before him now was yet another facet of Light's complex mixture of truth and mask. Someone in flux, someone stuck in between - _Schrodinger's suspect,_ as L himself had suggested to Light.

The rest of the Task Force were searching in the wrong direction, L knew. They followed their training and looked outwards, where there was a clear crime and clear suspect for them to latch onto. That could be _dangerous._ If they were allowed to continue down this road, they might actually _catch_ the new Kira.

L himself could catch the Yotsuba Kira in two weeks, he estimated - less, if he put his mind to it - but doing so held no appeal. When the first Kira had transferred his powers to this one, it must have been with some sort of time stamp, some escape route. L understood the first Kira too well to believe that he would have forfeited.

 _The Yotsuba Kira's capture is most likely the trigger._ The trigger to the return of Kira's powers to Light, most likely, though L was not entirely sure. _Does confinement cause a transfer of the powers, I wonder?_

L could not be certain. And was _precisely_ why the Yotsuba Kira could not be caught, yet. L would not allow that to happen until he understood Kira's plan well enough to be prepared for its next phase.

The key to that question sat across from him, copper hair falling over his eyes, momentarily locked inside the world of his own mind.

L took the opportunity to study the youth's body language. Light was sufficiently preoccupied to let his mask of perfection slip slightly. L suspected he would be horrified to know how clearly his emotions were on show in the present moment.

This was a Light Yagami not as certain of his own invulnerability or infallibility as Kira had been. That uncertainty was what caused the cracks in his façade. This principle had never been more clearly on show than that morning, with the rest of the Task Force. Light had been aggressive then, throwing accusations and attempting to back L into a corner. He may even have succeeded in turning the tides of the Task Force's opinion, somewhat. But the attack had revealed more about him than it had gained him.

This Light had not played his hand too dissimilarly to how he would have when he'd been Kira, but the self-assurance and premeditation was missing. Kira planned things to their conclusion long before he set his plans in motion, then stood back and watched with that infuriatingly smug smile.

The _new_ Light acted out of panic, clutching desperately at anything that could make him feel he had a measure of control. He had not planned in advance how to win the Task Force's trust; it had been a spur-of-the moment act prompted by fear and L's reminder of their discussion that morning.

There was one other discrepancy. Once Kira had begun something, he would not back down until he had seen it through to its conclusion. But Light had faltered, clearly taken aback by L's display of honesty. Kira would have taken note of the information revealed, but otherwise it would have made no difference to him.

L was playing against time here, too, then. Light was undergoing a metamorphosis, his eyes slowly hardening back into Kira's. As soon as that happened, this brief window of time where L had the upper hand and Light was confused and vulnerable would close.

Every case had two distinct elements; mechanics, and psychology. The first could most likely be solved by the Task Force through Yotsuba. L would have to intervene occasionally, to keep them from pushing things forwards too quickly, but other than that he felt he could rely on them.

The second element, L felt sure Light would make him work for. He smiled slightly. Of course Light would; things were never simple where Yagami Light was concerned.

His thoughts were beginning to slow from their optimal speed and move in circles. He clinically dropped another sugar cube into his tea, making sure not to make it splash, then sipped. The sweetness flooded his system instantly, restoring him to full alertness.

 _Mmm... much better._

He lowered the teacup and lifted his head. "You appear pre-occupied, Light-kun," he said softly. "I don't think it's healthy for you to allow your thoughts to stew for so long."

Light jerked into alertness. "Look who's speaking. You don't even _sleep_ when you're thinking about the case."

L gave a small smile of acknowledgement to Light's point. "That is true; however, it is important to be able to recognise when you reach the limit beyond which thinking ceases to be productive." _And some thoughts can be poisonous to the person thinking them._

"What makes you think my thoughts aren't productive?" Light's words were faintly demanding. Faintly nervous. _If I wasn't sure before, you've confirmed it now._

"It was simply a guess, based on your demeanour. You seemed like someone who was being worn down by his thoughts, not making progress with them." L unfurled himself from the chair and stood, limbs slightly stiff from being curled in as they had been. He walked over to the row of books he had brought with him to the new headquarters and selected the one he thought most suited to Light. He held it out to Light. "Read this. It will take your mind off the case for a while, and I think you might enjoy it."

Light took the book from L's hand and looked it over. When he looked up again, the troubled frown that he had previously worn was replaced by a look of amusement. "Dostoyevsky's _The Brothers Karamazov?_ Interesting. I'm surprised you didn't choose _Crime and Punishment._ "

 _Trust Light-kun to read into something so simple as a book recommendation._

 _Then again, he isn't wrong to._

"Irony can only go so far before it simply becomes poor taste, Light-kun. Besides, I have always felt rather partial to Ivan."

"I see." Light sat back onto the bed and cracked open the book, smoothing down the first book.

"Tell me what you think of it when you've finished. I'm quite curious." L found an uneaten chocolate in his pocket and bit into it, then curled back up into his usual position on his chair so that he could observe Light as he read.

Light leafed through the book idly, distractedly. L could tell his focus was elsewhere. It was impossible that he would read so slowly were his mind truly on it. No; Light was not the kind of person to savour a good book. He was the kind to tear through it impatiently and efficiently, dispense a judgement on its contents, and move on.

"Dmitri was framed," Light announced suddenly. L blinked.

"I didn't know you'd read this book before, Light-kun."

"I haven't." Light turned the page. "But I do have some familiarity with the plot, and I'm curious that you would choose _this_ book for me. After all, Dmitri fits the profile perfectly. He has a motive, and the right temperament. All evidence points to him being the murderer... and yet, he _isn't_."

Light's eyes were almost pleading as they looked up at L. _Kira is indeed cruel, to taunt Light with the possibility of innocence only to intend to snatch it away again._ Not that L felt any pity for Light. He was hollow, empty and vain, gifted with an easy life that had never taught him the meaning of _consequences._ If the circumstances he learned that in were harsh, well, he had only himself to blame.

Most people had themselves to blame for their own lives in a larger part then they would like to accept. It was something L had noticed, during his time as a detective. Everyone thought themselves exceptional, yet they all fit into one pattern or another. Light was not special because he was an exception. He was _special_ because the patterns of behaviour that he fit collided in him in a way that volatile, explosive and deadly.

The tea began to taste tart on L's tongue. He added another cube of sugar.

"If you are attempting to draw a parallel to the Kira case then your logic is flawed. It is, of course, _possible_ that someone who's guilt is above ninety percent certain is, in fact, completely innocent. In novels, unlikely things are far more common than in reality. In reality, it is almost never possible to be one hundred percent certain of something, so we can only operate on assumptions." L offered Light a smile that he hoped was calming. He had experience with feeling as though your head was clouded by too many thoughts that you couldn't understand and that troubled you. "In truth, I hadn't meant to comment on the case through my choice of literature. I simply thought you might enjoy Dostoyevsky's style, and this novel is not as dark as some of his others. I really do think it would do you good to get your mind off the case."

It was to L's own benefit to attempt to defuse Light's thoughts, in any case. He had learnt from Kira's reactions to his challenges that a stressed, cornered or otherwise troubled Light was volatile and dangerous. The situation at hand was delicate as it was; L knew he played a dangerous game in chaining himself to a suspect like this. If Light was being rational, he would not cut short his endgame by disturbing the balance, but a single rash action could ruin the intellectual interplay between them.

The sky outside the window was beginning to grow dark, moonlight dancing over the glass surface of the building, and suddenly L felt that the chain between them restrained and confined him as much as it did Light. Most of the time it suited him to have the suspect right there for observation, but there were times - like now - when he felt the need for privacy with his thoughts.

Though it had not been his intention, Light's observation had prompted a question in L's mind. _Suppose someone has the right mindset and motivation to murder, but they do not. Clearly, even the harshest jury would have to rule them innocent._

 _But someone who_ has _murdered, and has since forgotten it... to the rest of the world, it must be different, since the crime did in fact occur, but psychologically... can this be said to be any different to the previous scenario?_

In the end, L supposed, it did not particularly matter. If Light was not Kira now, he had certainly planned in advance a way to become him.

A more sentimental personal would possibly call it a tragedy, but L was not sentimental, so he preferred the less emotionally-charged word 'regrettable'.

* * *

 **As I said in my notes on the last chapter, this chapter is basically just an experiment to see if I can write L's thought process. Hopefully as I get more comfortable with his point of view I can get more in-depth into his character, but I will also probably still keep the focus of the story primarily of Light.**

 **Any feedback on L's point of view would be greatly appreciated.**

 **To be honest, this chapter has been almost finished for days, but I've had lots of other things going on in-between, so I try not to use the internet too much because it can be a big distraction :). I just wanted to get this chapter up because it was almost done and I didn't want to keep people waiting for too long. Therefore, I hope you don't get offended if I don't respond to comments for a while. I'll be on summer holidays after next week, so I'll be more active online after that.**


	11. Chapter 11: Kira

**Warning: this chapter contains imagined violence that isn't very graphic, but some people might find disturbing. If you are such a person then you probably shouldn't have watched Death Note in the first place, but I thought I'd warn you anyway.**

 _I will keep quiet, you won't even know I'm here,_

 _You won't suspect a thing, you won't see me in the mirror,_

 _But I've crept into your heart, you can't make me disappear,_

 _Til I make you._

 _I've made myself at home in the cobwebs and the lies,_

 _I'm learning all your tricks, I can hurt you from inside..._

 _I made myself a promise, you would never see me cry..._

 _Til I make you._

 _-'_ The Devil Within', Digital Daggers

Chapter 11: Kira

 _The Task Force headquarters were eerily still._

 _Light was alone in a room of white walls and blank computer screens. It looked simultaneously abandoned and perfectly preserved. Like a ghost town._

 _Light had seen photographs from Chernobyl in school. Everything left exactly as it was, waiting for people who would never return. Yes, that was it precisely._

 _He could not tell what, exactly, it was about the place that filled him with dread. There should have been nothing intimidating about a room full of computer monitors, a room he had spent every day of these last weeks working in..._

 _Nevertheless, he didn't dare disturb the silence._

There's no sign that anything happened, and I don't remember anything happening. It's probably just late. Yes, that would explain why no-one's here.

 _There was still something wrong, though. He looked over his left shoulder and found..._

 _Nothing._

 _That revelation should not have unbalanced him the way it did._

 _He ran a finger gently over the surface of his wrist, and found nothing but smooth skin, unmarked and unbound._

This is good, _he told himself._ I _wanted_ to be free of L. I should be glad for the lack of his presence.

 _Truth be told, though, Light would have been glad for_ any _human presence._

(There's a reason solitary confinement is used as a means of psychological torture.)

This situation makes no logical sense, _Light thought._ There is no reason for L to release me now.

 _There could only be one explanation, then._ This must be a dream.

 _Light frowned to himself. The room certainly felt eerie, but other then that, it was a fairly uneventful dream. Quite different from the nightmares he'd experienced recently. For one thing, he was not imprisoned, nor was L preparing a novel execution method for him._

 _Things could certainly be much worse._

 _It didn't appear he was about to wake up, so he supposed he may as well engage with his dream. He had never experienced lucid dreaming before; it could prove quite interesting._

 _There was nothing for him to do in the room, so he cautiously pushed open the door._

 _Something was off about the corridor he stepped into. As soon as he realised what it was, he had to bite back bile._

 _A pair of bodies lay slumped against the wall, their shirts soaked through with blood. A reddish-brown smear stained the wall behind them._

 _Light had never considered himself squeamish, but if this were not a dream, he would most likely be vomiting. As it was, he only stepped forwards on shaky legs._

 _He recognised the corpses - a fact that did not surprise him at all. Matsuda's hair was stuck to the_ _sides of his face, which was deathly grey and lacking the vigour and foolish enthusiasm so customary to it. At his side, Aizawa was as stoical in death as he'd been in life._

 _Light kept a safe distance, as if that would remove him from the situation._ I suppose that answers the question of where the rest of the Task Force is, then, _he thought numbly._ At least for the most part.

 _Two corpses here... two corpses missing._

 _"Father?" Light called with a shaky voice. "...Ryuzaki?"_

 _He continued his journey down the corridor until his foot caught on something and he was sent sprawling face-first across the floor. When he picked himself up he was able to register mild horror, but no surprise._

 _The sight of his father's blank eyes staring up at him in frozen terror was_ exactly _what he had expected to find._

 _Light didn't get up, instead resting his head against his father's chest. It was comfortingly solid and disconcertingly still._

This is only a dream. _There was no sense in getting upset about images that weren't even real. The only thing worth doing was going along with the dream to see what much-needed insight it could give him into his own subconscious._

 _Not that there was anything_ good _he could possibly deduce about his subconscious from a dream like this._

 _Footsteps echoed across the glass floor. Light stayed curled up where he was. The new presence in the hall felt threatening, and was likely what had killed the rest of the Task Force, but Light was not afraid, at least no more than vaguely so. This was still his dream. Nothing could hurt him in his dream._

 _The footsteps halted and Light finally lifted his head._

 _The figure standing before him was clearly him, but the first thing to jump out at Light was not the similarity between them, but rather the differences._

 _The man who was not quite him was taller, though whether the height was real or just an illusion given by his posture, Light didn't know. Light walked with confidence and good posture, but this man did more. Ramrod straight, his chin tilted slightly upwards... everything about him radiated pride and power. He wore a formal black suit, the sleeves splattered with blood up to the elbow. His hair and eyes were not the more natural colours of copper and caramel-brown they should have been, but rather a deep, dark shade of red._

 _His presence was magnetic. Light could not tear his eyes away._

 _A small smirk graced Light's lips. "Hello, Kira," he whispered. "We meet at last."_

 _"Indeed, Light."_

 _As Kira walked forwards, a ray of light glinted off the blade held in his hand, giving away its presence. Light scrambled backwards instinctively._

 _Kira stepped over his father's body as if it weren't even there. In mere seconds, he had both Light's arms pinned firmly behind his back and the sharp edge of his knife pressed against Light's throat._

 _Light struggled against his grip. He was leaning in far too close, and the way he loomed over Light made Light feel claustrophobic._

This isn't accurate, _Light thought._ Kira kills with heart attacks, not with a dagger.

 _"You don't need to fear me."_

This is still my dream. _I_ am in control. If I want him to release me, he must release me.

 _He tried to wrench one of his arms away, but Kira's grip held fast._

 _"Why would I hurt you?" The question was spoken with narrowed eyes and the condescending tone of voice a teacher would use on one of their dimmer students who had just made a particularly moronic statement._

 _Light pressed his lips together and said nothing._

 _"I'm on your side. You can trust me."_

 _Light still failed to answer. His gaze was no longer directed at Kira's face, but just over his shoulder - at the hallway that was not empty any more. Kira hadn't noticed the hunched figure watching them both yet. L must have noticed Kira, but it wasn't Kira that he pinned with his cold, accusing stare._

 _His eyes locked directly with Light's, wide and steady. 'Run', Light considered screaming, or, 'He'll kill us both', but no words left his lips._

 _'You can trust me', Kira whispered in his mind._

 _Light held the gaze. Both stayed still and silent, waiting for something to break their stalemate._

 _Suddenly, Kira released Light, who fell backwards to the floor._

 _L's eyes never left Light's as Kira sunk his dagger hilt-deep into L's chest. Not a single word left his lips, but they didn't have to. His eyes, deep and dark and endless, spoke them all._

 _Light was paralysed as L dropped to his knees. In so many dreams, their positions had been reversed. He couldn't pinpoint how he felt about this reversal. He only knew that the fathomless look in L's eyes tugged at something deep in his chest._

This is only a dream.

 _Even as the blood drained from L's body, that piercing clarity refused to leave his eyes._

Only a dream...

 _Blood across the glass floor, making it wet and slippery -_

"This is only a dream," Light muttered into his pillow.

He opened his eyes slowly. Sunlight filtered in through the curtains, blinding him, and he rolled over and pressed his face into the mattress. It wasn't particularly comforting - the bland and sterile bed L had chosen for him, not the tasteful one that was _his_ at home - but it was better than a glass floor covered in blood. Far, far better.

He dug his fingers deeper into the fabric, slowly piecing back reality as the last remnants of sleep left his mind.

"Another nightmare, Light-kun?"

The monotone voice at his side prickled Light's subconscious, needle pricks...

Knife points...

"What makes you think that?"

"Your breathing is uneven. Also, it would be highly unusual for someone in a situation such as yours _not_ to experience nightmares."

Light responded with silence, using this time to pull himself back into reality. The room he shared with L, simple and utilitarian; a bed, a laptop, a chair, a desk. _The Brothers Karamazov_ lay at the side of the bed, barely started. It might be a fascinating book with interesting philosophical statements... but Light did not have time for literature.

And then, there was L. Hunched over him with no regard for personal space, intruding both on his waking life and his sleeping one. L, with those eyes that looked paradoxically both dead and brimming with life. _L,_ who could probably pull Light over in a field as soon as he tired of this game, and with his reputation he'd find a way to turn it into a legal execution.

Light could not forget who he was playing against. In truth, it was _his_ life that was in danger, much more so than L's. He had to work towards an aim of self-preservation.

Why, then, had the nature of his dreams changed?

"Of course, I am no expert at dreams. I sleep rarely enough that when I do, it is deep and dreamless. It's something I do miss, sometimes."

Light had no trouble believing _that._ And he believed L would miss having dreams, as well. After all, dreams offered insight into the human mind; it must irk L to no end to miss such an opportunity.

How would it feel, for _him_ to hold _L's_ life in _his_ hands, for a change?

The thought was sickening and exhilarating at the same time. L seemed so _inhuman,_ but he would bleed the same as anybody else.

He remembered the way his gaze had been drawn to Kira, unable to tear itself away. The Kira in his dreams had not looked like a God; he had been every inch the monster and murderer the Task Force made him out to be. But at the same time, something about him felt... _majestic._

Kira was a monster, but a _powerful_ monster. And Light was sick to death of feeling powerless.

 _Do you even_ hear _yourself thinking, Light Yagami?_ His inner voice demanded of him. _If Kira were what he claimed to be - and even if you accepted his ideology, which is already problematic because you do not_ condone _murder -_ that _is not what he would be. Kira was_ intended _to protect the innocent by eliminating evil from the world -_ not _to exist as a weapon for you to defend yourself with._

 _I would_ never _murder innocent people. Not even to save my own skin._

That his own father had been among those 'innocent' people that featured in his dream was something he would not even try to delve into. Light was not, and had never been, sentimental. He did not feel family attachments as strongly as the average person, but he still felt revulsion at the thought of violating those ties, and he would not - should never even _dream_ of...

 _Kira_ has _already killed law enforcement officers._

Light pulled his blanket tighter around him for warmth, but it had no effect. The cold he felt came from within him, anyway.

 _It's only human that someone with such a power would use it in self-defence if cornered._

 _But Kira claims_ not _to be human. He is_ above _humanity, a god of this world... a Shinigami. Surely, if that were true, he would also be above resorting to such tactics?_

"It also bears mentioning that your first instinct when I asked you about having nightmares was to deflect the question. What does it say about you as a person, I wonder, that you shy away from the truth regarding even the smallest of issues...?"

Light new better than to answer that question. I was probably meant rhetorically, in any case. L was simply rambling to himself. Besides, that his deflection made him suspicious... that went without saying. After all, what did _not_ make him suspicious these days?

Light stretched his hands above his head, then fumbled for his watch, eyes widening as he read the time. _Eight am._ He bolted upright.

"Ryuzaki, it's late. You shouldn't have let me sleep so long." And he shouldn't have _had_ to rely on L to wake him. Normally his own biological clock woke him some time between six and seven. He hadn't slept in this late since he was a young child.

 _What's wrong with me?_

"I didn't think it necessary. Light-kun has seemed tired and fatigued recently. Believe it or not, I _do_ understand that most people require far more sleep than I do. I calculated that the benefit of having you working to your optimal potential far outweighed the disadvantage of a lost hour of work."

"Ah." Light had no suitable response. He could feel his self-created persona crumbling. It was hard to know who to project when he was no longer even sure of who he _really_ was.

 _I've certainly never been lost for words before._

Though it seemed only natural that if he _were_ to be lost for words before someone, that someone would be L.

"Well, I suppose... if that happens again, just wake me. I don't need _that_ much sleep," Light said at last.

L nodded in agreement and Light blinked away the image of blood spilling from his chest.

( _L is human, for all that he wishes to pretend otherwise. He would bleed just the same as any other human._

 _I suppose he and Kira are the same, in that regard. Both would like to place themselves somewhere above there rest of humanity... but that position is not justified.)_

In the end, that was a depressing thought. That all humans were equally corrupt and weak, and any attempt to rise above that would only create a monster.

 _If I had Kira's power, I would not use it against the Task Force... even if that was the only way to save myself. It is human to wish for the power to protect ourselves, but if we all fall prey to human weaknesses, how can we ever hope to make this world any less rotten?_

 _It's a moot point, anyway. Even if I did once hold Kira's power, I do not now. And a dream is just a dream; nothing more than a representation of my own thoughts and fears._

 _"Power corrupts,"_ a wise man had once said. But power was also the only possible driving force for change, and there could be no question that change was necessary. The only solution, then was to place power in the hands of someone who refused to be corrupted.

 _Could_ he be such a person? If he had been Kira before, then he _had_ been corrupted; deaths such as that of Naomi Misora were proof of that. Perhaps he had _realised_ that, and that was his true motivation for forfeiting the power. But that would be illogical; after all, however corrupt the _first_ Kira had been, he was still far less corrupt than Yotsuba.

Light played idly with the links in his chain. _I don't know the answer,_ he admitted to himself.

 _I don't know._ Had he ever honestly admitted to not knowing something before? _Well, I suppose this case is full of firsts for me,_ he thought bitterly.

* * *

 **No more exams! Yay!**

 **A sincere thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter. Your feedback was very helpful and appreciated - all of it.**

 **Also, I've decided to give all the chapters thus far titles, something I'd already been doing on Archive of our Own. It's not a major thing, just something I thought I'd mention.**

 **A bit of background on Light's nightmare at the beginning of the chapter; I sort of recycled it from an original story that I never got around to writing. In that story there was supposed to be a scene in which the main character dreams about a darker version of herself killing her enemies (and some 'friends' that have betrayed her in one way or another) and then insisting to her that they deserved it. It was probably the scene that stuck with me most strongly from the story that I never wrote, so I was really happy that I was able to modify it and use it here.**

 **Even though technically speaking nothing actually 'happened' in this chapter, it's a very significant one for Light psychologically. In fact, I might say it's possibly going to be one of the most important chapters in the story from that perspective.**

 **Thank you for reading :).**


End file.
